


you give me the feeling of euphoria

by etherealgh0st



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3racha stoner vibes, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Attempt at Humor, Character Death, Dom/sub Undertones, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends With Benefits, Hook-Up, M/M, Mentions of drugs, One Night Stands, Past Relationship(s), Self Harm, Smut, a lot of crying, depressing state in a period of time, im sorry binnie, light struggle with weight, mentions of depression, small context in which is mentioned past attempt at suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:21:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23936764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etherealgh0st/pseuds/etherealgh0st
Summary: Repress it, find affection in someone else and call it a day.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Kim Seungmin & Lee Felix, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 49





	1. i'm here, always will be

**Author's Note:**

> read tags, loves and enjoy reading.  
> hope the ending isn't a big of a cliffhanger until the next chapter.

Seated in the kitchen on one of the stools while Chan was taking the alcoholic drinks out of the fridge, when handing the cider over to him the doorbell rang. Signaling them that Jisung finally made his appearance. As the latter went to open the door Changbin already chugged down two gulps of the beverage. 

Mumbling could be heard from the hallway, the well known voice and his laughter. After that the footsteps were getting closer and when the door opened Jisung was in front of him with that famous big smile of his that was painted over his lips. “Already hitting the booze, ha?” - a chuckle followed behind, he dropped a bag on the counter next to him before giving Changbin a quick peck on his cheek. A gesture he always does with him. 

His eyes couldn't leave the brunette’s body even after Chan got back in the kitchen. Jisung is known for his confidence and breaking the gender norms. A silky bordo button up complimented his upper body as it exposed his clavicles. The same color makeup well blended colors and a clear lip gloss covering his lips. The tight short black jeans that snached his waist made him look even smaller. A harness around his thigh was nothing new, an accessory the brunette adores. 

It was one thing for Changbin to start liking the other the moment they got closer and opened up back in highschool. His personality, the words he’d choose, the way he expressed himself and just the way he’s the most softest and likable human in Changbin’s eyes. Somewhere at the beginning of their junior year he got even more confident and started to express his true side. His love for makeup, revealing clothes and his sexuallity. 

He actually went through a lot, not so much on how others were behaving about it, most of them didn’t even care and some were on the same page as him. Of course there had to be at least one person that had to be an asshole about it. He’d get some words thrown at him when walking down the hallway. Mostly by those sporty masculane students, but what’s new about that. His biggest enemy then was himself, he felt lost, not so accepted by his father but his mother would tell him that it’s just hard to handle. 

He’d take drugs when stuff would get hard on him, it killed his mental pain and made him feel better, well at least for a moment, a moment he’d cherish. Hook ups and one night stands with random guys he’d find on tinder started to be his regular thing after he lost his virginity to a guy he thought that loved him. A six month relationship thrown in a bin just like that, they became strangers in a second. The heartbreak made him do even worse things. 

  
  


Throughout everything Changbin was always there for him. He’d wipe his tears away, raise his confidence when he’d lose it and take care of him when he'd just feel so low and didn’t have the energy for anything. Jisung would always sneak into Changbin’s bedroom through the window, he’d leave it unlocked after Jisung would text him that he’s coming over. That would usually be around 1am when his mum was asleep so he had to be quiet when going downstairs to get a glass of water and some snacks. 

“Have to tell you something. Remember the guy Jaehyun i told you about?” - Jisung broke the silence between them before pausing the anime that was playing on Changbin’s laptop, located on his lap as Jisung laid snuggled beside him. Sitting up he looked down at him. “Yea, what about him?” - his tired eyes looked up at the boy, he looked so beautiful. Even though his make up was a bit fucked up because of the crying session he had a few minutes before against Changbin’s chest. 

“He kept texting me after that night, saying how he actually wants to get to know me better. You think he likes me?” - Changbin’s heart would always feel heavy when Jisung would talk about his hookups and stuff, but what can he do about it, just sit back, listen and bury his feelings. “Well i don’t know. Maybe. I mean who wouldn’t like you” - a small chuckle left his lips as Jisung smiled and that and cooed over him as he cupped and squeezed his cheeks. “C’mon, you’re saying that cause you're my best friend. An actual opinion, should I be with him or not?”

‘It’s actually because I like you, stupid.’ - the thought rushed through his mind before he spoke up “Well if he’ll make you happy, take you on dates and that shit then i approve.” - he threw a couple of snacks in his mouth before his eyes fell on the paused video. “So basically the stuff you do with me. Okay, dad, hope you’ll approve.” - Jisung giggled before nuzzling back against Changbin as they continued to watch, Changbin’s mind being full of thoughts, not able to concentrate on the anime.

Since then Jaehyun and Jisung actually did last longer than a one night stand. Giggles and lip bites would expose the fact that he’s texting the guy. At times he wouldn't even pay attention to Chan’s and his conversation when they’d hang out in their sesh place. 

Ditching them to go to Jaehyun’s was something he’d do as well, but they thought as long as he’s happy and the guy won’t crush his heart, that it’s okay. 

Jaehyun would even drop him off at school, he was two years older than him and when their schedules would blend Jisung would have a ride. The shared kisses against the car was something Changbin had to look away from when he’d wait for him. From what he found out Jaehyun went to art college.

When Jisung properly introduced him to them Changbin actually had to convince himself to like the guy, the way Jisung was happy with him was just something very important to Changbin and he really hopes the guy won’t do anything to hurt him, otherwise he’ll actually ruin his life. 

Back to present day, after weeks of exams and barely any hang out cause they'd be busy or Jisung would be at Jaehyun’s, they were finally all together again and Changbin really missed the trio.

“So yall wanna go on the roof before we start with some relaxation or?” - Chan suggested the idea, the place the three always love to spend their time when hanging out. There’s just something special about being so high, feeling like you're closer to the sky even though there's still miles between. The beautiful sight from atop, and the most beautiful endless canvas like picture when looking up at the sky. Rather that be in a mid daylight or at night when the countless bright dots fill the dark background. 

Them agreeing at the idea made Chan take his drink as the other two did the same. Following behind him where they get on the roof through his bedroom’s window. The right timing for a golden hour, they sat down carefully and Changbin took another gulp of his drink. “Gosh, it’s so beautiful.” - Jisung commented softly making Changbin’s eyes fall on the boy’s face. Chan sat between them, laying down on the roof it gave Changbin a better view now. 

The way Jisung’s eyes sparkled, his honey-like smooth skin that was painted by the sunset’s colors was just a blessing for his eyes. His exposed legs, the way he tilted his head back and closed his eyes made Changbin gulp. “We’re finally together boys. Those were some rough weeks. College and its schedule can just suck my dick.” - Chan made Bin’s eyes tear off of the boy as they shifted to the sunset. “Mm you better have your guest room prepared for us.” - Jisung commented before taking a swing of his drink.

  
  


“You know I do.” - Jisung smiled simply, the smile was caught by Changbin’s eyes, only making it hard again to look away. The calm atmosphere was interrupted by Jisung’s phone buzzing, signaling him that he got a message. He took it out of his pocket and the moment his eyes landed on the screen his smile fell. He could see the uneasiness on the boy’s face, after years of friendship he better know how to read his emotions just by one glance at his face. 

He pocketed his phone and took a swing, his action made Changbin have a lot of questions but he asked none. “Let’s have a sesh now, hm? I really need it.” - Chan immediately agreed as he slowly got up, carefully making his way inside. “Is everything okay?” - the words came out soft with concern as Jisung looked up at Changbin and gave him a quick big smile. “Yes, just really missed this, yknow.” 

He sure hopes whatever just changed his mood and made him pretend won't turn into a regular feeling and make him repeat the days after he lost his first love. It was a tough time for both of them, for Jisung to get out of that situation but he did manage with his help and he’s been doing great for a solid year. 

It was a great feeling and he sure did miss getting high with his best friends. The light feeling, everything was slow, like time didn't exist anymore. He felt relaxed, blending into the softness of the couch. “Yep, this sure hits differently when you don’t do it for a long time.” - Chan commented from his spot. Changbin hummed as his eyes lazily fell on Jisung. He was texting someone from what he could catch. Continuously biting his inner cheek.

If he had to do something with Jaehyun he sure would throw some hands, might even go to his house now and bust his face. “Who are you texting?” - Changbin’s low voice flew lazily over to Jisung as he looked up at the latter. “Lixie, he just- asked me where i am since i forgot to tell him i’ll stay over at Chan’s.” - Felix, Jisung’s roommate, a year younger, in his first year of college. A boy he hooked up with once he was at his lowest, seeking for affection and escape from his pain with some pleasure. 

From that day they’ve actually slept almost every weekend when stress would build up. They got to know each other through Jisung and clicked immediately. Reason why they agreed to only be friends with some special benefits is because Felix doesn’t dig with the commitment at the moment and would love to stay in contact with him because from his words Changbin is a good laid.

Of course Changbin agreed on that, maybe being sexually active with Felix would make him forget about his emotions for Jisung. About those feelings Felix actually found out about one night when he came over at Changbin’s place.

They had sex, it was rough as usual, but Felix actually managed to see that something was wrong. He could feel how absent he was when they’d make out. When Changbin would pound into him he could see that his mind wasn’t in this moment. 

“Come on, you know that you can tell me everything.” - the freckled boy said, his small fingers running through his platinum hair strands as he exhaled a thick cloud of smoke that was cleared by the light breeze. He stood by the window wearing nothing but his black panties and one of Changbin’s shirts he just put on, putting his weight on one leg, his ass getting exposed as the shirt wrinkled over his hip. 

Changbin’s eyes examined the sight he got from where he was laying in bed, the light sheet covering only the lower part of his naked boy. “But promise to not say shit, take it to the grave with you if necessary.” - the freckled boy let out a chuckle after he blew out another cloud of smoke. “You have some love problems or some shit? Damn just tell me.” 

He played with the wrinkled sheets as a sigh left his lips before he dragged his tongue over them. “Yea- i kinda-- um, have some feelings going on for Sung.” - the other stepped away from the window after he put out the cigarette in the ashtray. “Okay, now tell me something i don’t know.” - Changbin’s eyes got a bit wide as he followed the boy’s movements. “Wait- how do you know. Is it that fucking obvious?” 

“Well yea, sweetie. I know you’re just using me to repress your feelings for Sungie since he has a boyfie, which is fine with me but I'm actually worried about your mental state when it comes to that. Cause i know it’s hard.” - Felix’s words came slowly from his lips as he crawled back on bed. Placing a hand on Changbin’s chest, just above his heart. Making the other loop his arm around the blonde’s small waist “And that’s coming from a guy that doesn't want commitment.” 

Changbin’s comment made the other roll his eyes, a halfhearted chuckle leaving Changbin’s lips. “Ya, choke on my dick-” - he gently squeezed Felix’s waist at that making him squirm a bit since he’s ticklish.

“Think you’ll be the one doing that.” - he got flipped off in return but they both chuckled at their current situation. “Look, just cause i go for dick doesn’t mean i’ve never fell in love. Someone, in the past, broke my heart and made me have trust issues, that’s why i only seak for sex now.” 

Changbin hummed at that “Similar to Sungie, he was like that before getting together with Jaehyun but he’d still fall for every guy he’d sleep with then come to me crying.” 

“Yo, when we shared those facts about each other we knew we had to be roommates.” - Changbin laughed lightly at his words. “But really, don’t worry about me. Just suck my dick like a good boy and I'll be a happy guy.” - he got his chest slapped in return which made him chuckle and whine dramatically. Felix looked down at him for a longer time as they shared a smile. The younger shaking his head in disappointment. 

“Let’s go for another round and I’ll be out of here. Have some shit to do for my projects.” - Changbin hummed at that before pulling him down into a heated kiss. 

  
  


He didn't know if he should believe his words, they came out kind of thought in a spot as a lie to cover something. If he asked again if there’s something he has to tell him he wouldn't get a word out of him. Jisung’s a closed person, even after years of friendship he needs time to say if something is bothering him. 

The night passed with conversations of telling each other if something interesting happened through the time they weren’t together, at one point they ordered delivery and, God, does food taste 10x better when high. 

“Can’t believe you still got the free time to get your dick sucked by Felix yet we couldn't hang out.” - Chan commented before he stuffed his mouth with food. “Ya! We just have a similar schedule. Not like we hung out, we just did it and that’s it.” - of course they don't know the real reason behind the hook up, just like Felix does. At first they didn’t know at all but after Jisung started to question why Felix alway tends to go out at night on weekends and come back every time after two hours or so he had to tell him. 

And what Jisung knows of course Chan knows right after. He was happy like a bro on bro thing that he finally started to get laid again and Jisung reacted kind of like he had to convince himself to be supportive for that. He found it weird since he did accept Jisung’s choice’s before he met Jaehyun but Jisung just can’t hide his thoughts on something that good so he did catch the mixed feelings for those news, but he didn't want to question it. 

Jisung got more and more quiet through the night before he at one point decided to head to bed, his excuse being a headache that occured at 3am. They bid a goodnight to him and stayed together for another hour before Changbin himself started to feel tiredness seep over his body and his eyelids getting heavy. 

When he entered the guest bedroom he saw Jisung’s sleeping crouched body covered with a blanket, making him look even smaller. He smiled at the sight. His habit of sleeping shirtless made him take off his shirt and toss it on the edge of the bed before getting under the sheets.

When Chan’s footsteps couldnt be heard anymore from the other room it got completely silent. Changbin closed his eyes as he got comfortable and already started to drift into dreamland. Only if it wasn’t interrupted by Jisung’s small whisper calling out for him. He hummed in response to acknowledge that he’s still awake.

“Do you--” - he stopped in his tracks like something made him shut his mouth. Changbin turned around to face him, Jisung laid on his side, back facing him. “Sungie?” - he called for him now as a lot of questions roamed his mind. “Do you like- Lix as something more than just a friend with specialties?” - the question came out unpredictable as silence fell over them again before he spoke up. 

“Way before sex there’s frienship between us. Since the day you introduced me to him you know we clicked. And with the same interest and needs on sex we became friends with benefits, but the feelings for him as seeing him just as a friend stayed.” - Changbin’s eyes didn’t leave Jisung’s small curled body, like he wanted to see his face and read his emotions but he couldn’t. 

Only getting a hum in return he thought that the topic about that was closed, even though he still didn’t know why he asked him such a question. So he proceeded to ask him something he was wondering all night. “Can you please tell me now what happened back at the roof. What took your smile away?” 

Thick silence fell over them as at one point he even thought that Jisung fell asleep, but he changed his thinking when he spoke up with a shaky voice. “He cheated on me-- Felix saw him- was out with his two friends. He saw him- he was-- fucking slut was all over him.” - Changbin’s eyes got wide at his words as blood boiled inside of him. 

He sat up, moved closer to his fragile shaky body. Slowly placing a hand on his shoulder as he laid down again, gently pulling him against his chest. The gesture made Jisung turn around and bury his face into Changbin’s chest as he started to sob quietly. “Hurts.” - he whispered barely over a whisper. It made Changbin hold him tighter, his own chest started to hurt, he’d always feel like that when seeing the boy cry. 

He couldn't do anything than keep him calm to not push it further and cause a panic attack like he did last time. They ended up going to the kitchen where Changbin gave him a glass of water, making sure to try his best and calm down no matter how much it hurt. He shouldn’t harm his body for a guy that doesnt deserve to even see him again. 

Giving into Jisung’s wish to go to the roof they slowly walked into Chan’s room and managed to get to the wanted spot without waking him up. To their luck he was a hard sleeper. 

The air felt chilly, being caused by its early rain pour. Making it easier to breathe as the fresh air filled their lungs. The sky was full of countless stars as the half moon was shining in the distance. The street was empty, only a few cars would pass since Chan lives in a more isolated neighbourhood from the city. The streetlamps were their source of light as Changbin could catch a calico cat running down the street and hiding under one of the parked cars, a black cat following behind. 

His eyes then fell on Jisung again who was sitting beside him, hugging his knees. Without even asking he took his hoodie off, wearing a t-shirt underneath, as he made the other wear it. As he went back to his previous pose Changbin placed the hood over his head with a small chuckle leaving his lips at the cute sight. 

He got a teaseful glare back which made Changbin inhale deeply and sigh, pulling him against his chest as he rubbed his arm. Tilting his head up to look at the sky, getting mesmerized by the beauty of the night. “Look.” - Jisung voiced softly as Changbin immediately hummed and followed at what he was pointing at. The two cats he previously saw were sitting beside each other as the calico cat was cleaning itself, the black one sitting beside him and looking around with his lazy eyes. 

“That’s us.” - Changbin chuckled at his words as he could actually see the resemblance when it came to their fur color. “I know it’ll take time for you to get on your feet again but please don’t waste your beautiful tears on an asshole like him.” - it made the other look up at him with his doe shiny eyes as a mere smile painted his thin soft lips. 

Changbin tilted his head slightly, giving a smile back. The eye contact lasted for a longer period of time as he got lost in his eyes. Without realizing Jisung’s slow approach the space between them was closed by their lips connecting. Changbin’s heart started to beat at a fast pace, eyes fell shut as he automatically went to place his hand on Jisung’s waist, but before he could the other already broke the kiss.

He looked down at him as Jisung’s doe eyes got a bit wide, his lips agaped. “Shh- shit. I’m so sorry-- thought that was your cheek, it was too dark i didn’t see. Let's go inside, it's cold.” - the words left his lips at a fast pace. Changbin could only sit frozen in place as Jisung slowly made his way inside. 

Felix will for sure hear a rant next weekend. After gathering himself he went after him. Chan still sleeping like someone knocked him out. 


	2. you got me lost

The soft moans got louder by each thrust, another sound that filled up the room beside the hollow sound of skin slapping. Whimpering followed a harsh slap before the moans got suffocated as Felix pushed his face into the pillow. Changbin’s hands firmly holding his hips in place while pounding into him. 

“Like that, ha?” - another slap followed behind, leaving a red stain on his ass cheek. Louder moan leaving his lips as a cuss was inaudible to his ears. He squeezed his plump ass as the thrusts got faster. “Deeper, fuck-- oh you fuck me so good.” - words left from Felix’s bruised lips in a lewd way. His thighs spread, back arching so delicately, as he tilted his head up while grabbing onto the sheets. His platinum strands falling over his hazy eyes as some got stuck to his sweaty forehead. 

“You’re taking me so well, doll. Such a good slut for me.” - his raspy voice made a shiver go down the younger's spine. He felt his hair being pulled which made him get on his knees. Changbin buried himself deep inside of the boy as he slowly made the other get closer to the headboard for him to hold onto it. 

One hand looped around his abdomen as the other was place on Felix’s smaller hand that was gripping the headboard before he started to fuck into him with a steady pace. His eyes fell down to admire the sight of his cock disappearing inside of Felix’s plump ass. “Wanna ride you.” - the younger moaned out. Changbin started to kiss the side of his neck, breathing out against it. “Beg for it.” 

He gently bit onto his sweet spot which he knew by heart, making the other stumble over his words. “Ah fu-- please. Wanna ride you so bad, wanna bounce on-- fuck- on your cock. Hyung, please.” - he knows what gets the other going, what makes him aroused, and if he’s honest he’s not far from that himself. Their similar kinks and turnons makes the sex even better.

He pulled out as they got into a position where Felix straddled his hips and grabbed his dick, positioning himself above the length before he started to sink down on it. A breathy cuss falling from his lips. Changbin’s hand immediately reached up to play with his nipple which made him roll his eyes backwards at the double pleasure. 

Starting off with bucking his hips he grinded with a steady pace, his hands plopped on Changbin’s chest for support. The soft pace and Changbin’s fingers teasing on Felix’s tip quickly turned in fast bouncing as his fluffy hair reflected his action, Changbin’s hands gripping on the sheets. 

They made eye contact as both of their eyes were filled with lust and face expressions full of arousal. Changbin’s hands trailed to grab firmly onto the younger's hips as he stopped his movements, making him sit fully on his dick. Small hip bucks made Changbin’s tip brush against his prostate that caused Felix to roll his eyes backwards as his mouth fell open with a mere smile.

“You look so fucked out. Wanna be fucked silly, hm?” - without waiting for an answer he bent his knees and started to pound upwards into him while holding his hips. He felt so close and Felix’s clenching hole only made it harder for him to wait until he makes the other cum. 

Felix’s thighs started to shake as his facial expression was the most sinful thing Changbin could imagine. Happiness and lust that were combined together, his moans started to get higher pitched, glossy eyes looking up as the pink blush that covered his cheeks made it look even better. His bottom lip got caught between his teeth and he swore he thought he’d break the skin of it and it would start bleeding. 

A sight that came right out of a hentai scene made him groan as they almost came in sync. Strings of cum flew on Changbin’s chest as his own filled up the condom. Felix's fingers wrapped around the base of his dick as his hips grinded more with a slow pace to ride out his orgasm. 

When it got too much and the sensitive feeling washed over his body with each brush of Changbin's tip over his prostate, his knees dipped into the mattress as he pulled off. He collapsed next to Changbin with zero energy as a long breathy whine left his throat. 

"Well this was intense, more than usual." - the younger commented from where he laid, Changbin lazily got off the bed to throw the tied condom in the bin that was located next to his work desk he barely uses. "Looked to me like you enjoyed every second of it."

He commented when he took his boxers and slipped them on, glancing over at the blonde boy who now brought the sheets over his body. "Who said I didn't." - getting a wink from the younger made him let out a breathy chuckle as he took the wet wipes and cleaned his abdomen. Discarding it in the bin as well. 

After slightly opening the window Changbin made it back to bed. When laying down it felt like every inch of his muscles relaxed against the mattress. The bed dipped a bit at Felix's movements as he slowly sat up and grabbed his phone from the night stand. 

His mind started to clear as he remembered something he noted mentally that should've been mentioned to Felix. "Mmm, Lixie." - the other hummed from where his eyes were glued on his phone's screen. "How's Sungie been? I only managed to text him here and there through the week. How's he handling it?" 

Changbin tilted his head a bit so he could look up at the other, making eye contact with him as Felix's eyes did the same by looking down at the dark haired boy. "He eats only when I make him eat, stays at least hydrated. I can see that he's trying to focus on his studying but his mind is somewhere else." 

Changbin hummed at the words, chest feeling heavy by the thought of Jisung in such a state again. "Psychology is paying off, ha?" - he mumbled at the last words of his. It made the blonde chuckle a bit before his eyes fell on the phone again. "And how are you handling it?" 

The question made Changbin think a bit before he spoke up "Well don't think I'm glad that they broke it off-" - "But a part of you is at ease." - Changbin sighed at Felix's words that interrupted him, not wanting to admit it to himself but unfortunately a part of him is acting selfish. Jisung being taken or single he knew nothing would happen between them.

"Look- I'm fucking pissed at that guy by his childish actions. Should've broke it off like a decent man and then go after a girl and not have cheating sessions with her. That's just an asshole move." - the sound of the phone being placed aside and Felix's body warmth that got closer to him made Changbin tilt his head to face him again. 

"Am listening." - his chin was propped in his palm as it was supported by the elbow that dipped into the mattress beside Changbin. He smiled at his cute friendly behaviour before he continued. "Just-- I'd do anything just for him to not feel like this. I'm not glad one bit that he broke his heart, so and so the feeling between us isn't mutual. He loves me, but in a friendly base. And maybe-- we should keep it that way." 

Changbin's voice trailed off as his eyes fell down, fingers fidgeting with the fabric of the sheets. He could feel Felix's soft eyes still glued on his face. "One sided love happens a lot. I want to support you to go after what you love and at least try but- i also don't want to give you high hopes. Hearing the rejection is worse than just thinking it."

His finger drew patterns over Changbin's bicep which made him glance at him again. His expression fell and his lips formed an unintentional pout which made Changbin's lips turn into a mere smile. Maybe they should close the topic now, the scene that happened that night should be forgotten even by himself, he shouldn't even mention it to him. 

"Let's not fall into depression now. And stop being my therapist every time after sex." - the younger smiled at his words as his eyes fell on his face again. A gentle slap on his chest was something expected, a gesture the younger always does when annoyed. 

  
  
  


When Felix got back to his shared apartment he was greeted by a very enthusiastic Jisung unlike how he left him. "Did you eat every sugary thing that's in our kitchen or?" - Felix commented at Jisung who greeted him with a big smile and clapping hands which means he's about to tell him something. 

"Ha ha, no. Listen, how about-" - he started off following the blonde into the kitchen where the other went to grab a glass of juice. "- we go to a club next weekend? I thought a bit and actually listened to Binnie's words on how that asshole isn't worth my tears. So how 'bout we celebrate our birthdays that are literally a day after another. Go out at 14th at evening and have fun until midnight when your bday hits and we party even more"

The words came out of his mouth with so much enthusiasm and excitement that he couldn't just say no. His friend tried to get over a break up, noticeable that he still isn't over him even though he's saying the opposite, so why the hell not have some fun. "Sure, why not." - the blonde commented after taking a few sips of his beverage. 

"You can even bring your friend Innie and his boyfriend, the more the merrier." - it made Felix laugh now at his words which he actually agreed on. Making a mental note on texting him the plan. "mmm how about Seungmin?" - he recommended as Jisung looked at him with a confused face. "Don't know him but sure." 

"Just-- another friend of mine. Have the same classes and so." - Jisung clapped in tiny out of excitement which made the younger smile. “Gosh, I’m getting old- can’t believe I’m turning 20” - he commented at which Felix took a swing of his juice. “And I’m still gonna be a teenager. Be happy.” 

“Trust me, when you’ll get my age you’ll want to be younger.” - he sighed dramatically, getting a done face from the latter. “Dude, I’m literally a year younger.” - a small ‘yea’ and a nod was what he got before they laughed at it. 

He got a tight hug from him before the boy said he has some work to finish and walked to his room with soft humming. 

As Felix went to prepare for bed, slipping into his booty shorts and a hoodie, his phone lit up from where it was thrown on the bed before he went to take a shower. With the fluffy pink headband holding his platinum strands off of his forehead and a toothbrush in his mouth he went to check the notification. A snap from Changbin which he opened immediately. 

It read that he just got a text from Jisung notifying him about clubbing. He took a quick selfie of himself before responding with confirmation about his plan. Getting a snap back in a minute of a mirror selfie where he laid on his bed shirtless. He liked being a tease through snaps with Felix when it comes to showing his upper body since he knows how much Felix loves his well built arms and chest. 

They snaped back and forth, after he was done with his night routine and got under the covers, Felix eventually fell asleep with the phone on his chest. Tiredness washed over him since Chagnbin fucked all the energy out of him and he barely got any sleep throughout the week.

On a sunday afternoon Changbin made it over to Jisung and Felix’s apartment for a hangout. Chan promised to come as well but he’ll come a little late since he needed to do some work. 

The sun was shining up high as it gave a warm temperature for them to be able to wear some light clothes. First days of September were still warm, the hint of the passing summer was still noticed by some high temperatures that would occur. Though the cold breeze was already preparing them for fall.

A nice day outside made them sit on the balcony, in Changbin’s opinion the best decorated balcony he saw. 

The white hanging chair in which Felix was currently sitting cross legged, it was a nice touch to the plants decorating the flooring and some that were placed on the window. It wasn’t a spacious balcony but it wasn’t a small one either. A perfect size for three people to occupy it without feeling squeezed even though Jisung was currently standing inside, resting over the window while blowing the smoke of the cigarette into the air. 

Changbin stood by the fence, lower back resting against it while in his sesh pose. “So like- we can go to that club or find another one which is closer.” - Jisung continued from his spot as his other hand held his phone on which he was trying to find a good club with a good deal. “Yea, but every other club that’s actually close to us is trash. You can sure trust me on that one, Innie and I go clubbing a lot.” 

Changbin’s eyes fell on the freckled boy who gave him a look and shook his head at how stubborn Jisung can act at times. A smile lingered over his lips at that before he took another hit of his cigarette, the cold breeze clearing it immediately. “It’s not hard to go there, one hour drive with an uber, sure. But another hour back to drive our drink asses, the money spent on other shit, don’t think we’ll have enough. And you better keep in mind that one of us has to stay sober.” 

“Our honored asses sure won’t it’s our birthday.” - Jisung quickly commented on his words at which he got a mumble from Changbin 'We've been known.’ 

“Unless Chris- stays sober, has a drink or two and drives us back and forth, praying to God that the police won’t stop him.” - Felix gave an example as he looked at both of them waiting for an agreement or disagreement. After a moment of thinking they share a look and immediately comment in sync “Yea, yes, sure.” 

“I mean I don’t mind.” - Changbin commented before he took another drag of his marlboro cigarette. Preferring this type because of the taste and smell and cause of the fun he gets from when popping the two methanols before lighting it. Jisung chuckled lightly as they maintained the eye contact before Jisung broke it by shifting his gaze downwards to look at his phone screen again. 

The kiss they shared on the roof a week ago wasn’t mentioned at all. Changbin had an eye on him and tried to check on him regularly to see if he’s been eating and taking care of himself. On the call they had the night after, Jisung did seem a bit still under the influence of what had happened but after more talking he got relaxed again after Changbin didn’t mention it at all. 

“Guys- i know who’ll be sober for the night.” - Felix commented as he sounded like something enlightened him. “Hyunjin. Innie’s boyfriend. He’s not a fan of getting wasted, has the mind of ‘You don't need alcohol to have fun’. He can take Chris’ car and drive us there and back.” - both of them sighed in relief and started to cherish Hyunjin for coming. 

“Now give me one cigar, yall just tempting me cause I don’t have any.” - Changbin chuckled and Felix’s grabby hands. Like a child being needy for candy, but instead he got a teenager being needy for nicotine. “Should’ve told me to buy a pack, went to the store this morning.” - Jisung commented as he’d put out his own in the astray. 

Changbin took a stepforward to hand him over his own. By taking one out of the half empty pack he placed it between his lips and protected it by the light breeze as Changbin tried to light it for him. “Forgot to tell you.” - he mumbled before taking a few inhales for it to lit up. A deep inhale as a sight followed behind with the smoke coming out, Felix laid back in the hanging chair as a smile painted his lips. 

“Addict.” - Changbin commented on his actions as a chuckle left his lips after the said word. 

In the evening Chan finally made his appearance as he held two bags of takeout. They shared the meal and talked about the birthday plans, which lead to Felix and Jisung even discussing their outfits for those two special days. 

  
  
  


Changbin actually felt excited for the upcoming day. Through the week he managed to finish his projects, the exams were passed and he was more than satisfied about his grades. The night before he tried to make himself sleep early since they practically wont sleep at all and will party all night til the next morning. 

  
  


The moment his tired ass managed to grab his phone from where it was located under his sheets the moment he woke up, he texted Jisung and wished him a happy birthday. Sent him a ton of voice notes and like that he had to get up and get ready. 

While he was styling his hair he got a picture from Felix of Jisung with the birthday hat and a muffin with a lit candle. The thing that got him laughing was the symbol of a marijuana leaf drawn with green paste. 

A simple outfit of a black silky button up with patterns of bordo silhouettes of roses paired with tight black jeans and a few silver accessories, he grabbed the needed stuff and was out of his apartment. Chan was waiting for him in his car as the moment he sat in the car he was showered with compliments by his best friend. “I was really not expecting this but damn- who you tryna impress, boy, ha? Gonna go for Sung’s ass or?” 

The shy smile that was painted on his lips left the moment he asked him that question. He gave him a death glare before shaking his head. “It’s a special occasion, c’mon, what did you expect.” - Chan started to drive to their first location while humming a song with a teasing smile which Changbin noticed with his peripheral view. “What?” - a dry question was spat as his eyes fell onto him.

“For Felix?” - he voiced the said words slowly. “Oh for God’s sake, Chan. it’s for myself, wanted to feel good, okay? Next thing you’ll say it’s for Jeongin. Barely know that kid and he has a boyfriend.” - it made the blonde laugh quietly which made Changbin poke his inner cheek with his tongue. A habit he tends to do when annoyed. Though a mere smile creeped over his lips at his friend’s teasing. 

First sight that caught his eyes was Felix. Jisung being the one who opened the door as he gave him a tight hug, but all Changbin could see in this moment was Felix's smile that was meant for him and a small hand wave. 

His platinum fluffy hair looked styled yet not as much, the champagne button up which was half closed, revealing a lot of his smooth skin. The purpose being to show off his collarbones on which he’d put on a gold highlighter. His make up consisted of soft colors to match his shirt yet it was dramatically done. And gosh, his beautiful legs in those tight black ripped jeans. 

Why is he so mesmerized by the boy, he’s seen more and this is how his heart reacts by this sight. When Jisung broke the hug that’s when he finally unglued his eyes of the younger by looking at his best friend. “Happy birthday again, you’re getting old.” 

“You aged before me, grandpa.” - push and pull continued between them before Chan broke it off making Changbin walk over to the couch with a breathy chuckle to greet the others. As he introduced himself to Felix’s friend for the first time Jisung grabbed everyone's attention after he opened Chan’s present. “I’ll go quickly change and then we can go” 

They chatted about stuff that will happen tonight as Felix mentioned that they'll go to his favourite club after midnight, Hyunjin complaining how he'll need an energy drink and solid nerves to survive the night. On which Jeongin mumbled to him something which Changbin could only catch that he'll get something in return for him which made the boy shut his mouth. 

Then Chan proceeded to list all of his car rules only to ring a bell in his head as he realised something. "How are we all gonna fit in my car. I didn't even know a plus one would be added. No offence dude." 

"Non taken." - Seungmin replied from where he was seated next to Felix, the blonde's leg placed over his thighs as a notice to Changbin as to how close those two actually are. "Well Hyunnie's driving, Innie can sit in the front seat, Sungie can take Bin's lap and I can take Min's." 

After stating his request there was some weird feeling inside of him after the said words which he tried to ignore and quickly replied with "Yea, sure." - the others slowly agreed as well. 

Once Jisung came back he really looked beautiful as always. Light makeup, which matched his outfit as the clothes complimented every curve of his body. Changbin smiled to himself at the sight. 

"Let's party!" 

  
  


The car ride was silent, but not the awkward kind of silent, they just-- didn't know what to talk about. "How did we not plan beforehand- when we plan it's always half planned." 

Jisung voiced from where he was seated on Changbin's lap. One of his arms were looped around his waist as his other hand was resting on the brunette's thigh, his own two hands playing with it as a soft gesture here and there. 

"If the cops catch us- you're all paying for it." - Chan complained as he was seated between the four of them in the back seat, scrolling through his phone as he tried not to overthink more about what could happen. 

"Mention the cops one more time I swear I'll push something up your ass for you to shut up." - Chan glared at Felix at his words before mumbling 'feisty'. 

The blonde took another swing of his drink. A well known vodka mixed with juice in an energy drink bottle. By extending his arm over Chan, Felix gave him the bottle for him to drink some as well. 

When at the club it seemed very well designed. A good location, music and pretty interior was something Changbin would always look at first, if that didn't satisfy him then he knew he'd have a bad passtime. But when seeing this, he just knew they'll have the best night and there's even more to come. 

When inside they found a desk to sit at, spacious enough for all of them. Chan went to order drinks and just a few minutes later Changbin got a text from him. 

**Chrispy**

made a reservation from before telling them they'll have a guest who's birthday is today, prepare for a fucking cake bro

they made a cake w ALCOHOL 

  
  


Just as he said, it'll be a good night. 

A big cake with sparklers decorating it came down carried by two staffs as they all started to sing a happy birthday. Some strangers joined in as well. Changbin thought it was more likely for them to get some cake as well. 

And just like that, the night began. The alcohol from the cake was very noticeable, the taste was pleasant to his taste buds. Cocktails and shots were made before they started to go to the dance floor and enjoy themselves. Jisung and Jeongin to go first as Chan followed right after. 

Changbin wasn't a type to expose his dancing in a club, even though that's the main thing when going to one, but he'd rather sit back and enjoy the drinks. Until, of course-

"Wanna dance, c'mon" - Felix grabbed his attention, the noticeable pink cheeks were a sign that the alcohol got to him. "No no, go enjoy yourself I'll be here with- Hyunjin and keep him company." 

"No no, it's okay. Go dance, have the time of your life." - Hyunjin said while taking another piece of the cake. Coming to his realization that he might get tipsy from it. But that's not like he's drinking a clean shot of vodka-- right. 

Before he could think any further Felix pulled him on the dance floor. The bright colorful lights blinking on the music's base was a bit hard to maintain a normal walk as the alcohol in his system didn't help either. 

Jisung sure was enjoying himself to the beats of the music, it made Changbin smile for his happiness. The way his eyes were glued on him he didn't notice how Felix started to move his body against him. Only when his ass brushed against his crotch he came to the realization and automatically looped his arm around his waist. 

The alcohol in his system made his mind feel light as he'd feel a bit heavy to stand on his legs. Vodka is a hell of a drink and he should've gone easy on it. By trying to control himself Felix turned around to face him now as he gave him the biggest smile while doing his little dance. 

His mouth works faster than his mind when drunk so it was expected for him to just ask things that weren't so relevant in this situation. "What's-- Seungmin exactly to you?" 

It made the other chuckle and tilt his head a bit "What do you mean?" - he embraced his neck lossy as they moved to the beat. "Just- yknow. Saw that you're very close to him and i never met him before." - the mumbling got hard on his last words when he looked at Felix's face. 

The younger was an inch away from his face as their noses almost touched. "Curious lil cat. Aren't you? He's a friend, Binnie. Why are you even asking?" - he couldn't tear his eyes off him and so he couldn't even respond back.

Without second thought, since that's something unknown to him when under the influence of alcohol he closed the space between them and kissed his lips with more need than expected. 

To his surprise Felix deepened it, keeping him close. Before he managed to register it he was being pulled by his arm after he broke the kiss. Almost stumbling over a flat floor as Felix's speed was too much for his state. 

The loud slam of a door and he found himself inside a restroom. After a random guy made to the exit they were left alone, the loud music being now inaudible. 

He was pushed against the wall as their lips collided again. The kiss was heated and messy. But he didn't mind it one bit. 

It came to his thought that kissing is actually something they barely do. Yes they make out but that lasts very short as the result of it is sex. And during it they don't kiss at all, think it's more of a intimate gesture to do while having sex. 

But in this moment he just wanted to keep on kissing him, his soft lips dancing against his own in a rhythm they managed to hold. His soft tongue glazing over his bottom lip asking for entrance. 

By keeping the dominance and lead he fought with his tongue which made the freckled boy let out a breathy moan into his mouth. As he explored his mouth Felix's small hands gripped on the waistband of his jeans. 

His own hands cupped the boys cheeks but before the kiss could go on any longer Changbin's phone started to beep. They parted with Felix gently pulling on his bottom lip which made him groan a bit at the sexy action of his. 

He fished his phone out of his back pocket and saw a notification signaling him that it's midnight, the text read 'Lixie's bday'. Felix managed to steal a glance of it as he chuckled at what he saw. "You've set a reminder?" 

A breathy chuckle left his lips as shyness took over him. "Well- yea. Since no one would pay attention to the time and it would be just rude to miss it and concentrate more on the partying an-" 

Before his fast talking could go on Felix made him shut up by kissing his lips again. The kiss was soft, his hands roamed slowly around his small waist as Felix's were now gently gripping onto his button up. 

He slowly broke it off to ghost his lips over Changbin's as he stared down at his bruised plump lips. "Happy birthday." - barely above a whisper he mumbled against his lips, making the other's lips curl into a smile. 

  
  
  
  


The car ride to their next location was more alive. They played music and sang. Even Hyunjin was full of enthusiasm, probably cause of the cake but he ignored that fact, letting the boy have his fun. Of course as long as his driving was steady. 

"Oi oi !" - the music was now turned off. "Chan, we're out of gas. Should drive down a station if we want to be able to drive back home." - Hyunjin voiced after seeing the red dot. He gave him the lead to the nearest gas station as to their luck it was only a five minute drive from the main road. 

There's just something about the late night gas station vibe which Changbin adores. As Chan went out to pump some gas, Seungmin and Jisung went to buy some snacks and Hyunjin and Jeongin said they'll use the restroom. 

Not a normal human would use a gas station's restroom as Felix whispered over to him after they were gone "Jin's gonna get his dick sucked." 

"We've been known." - they both chuckled for none valid reason, mostly alcohol making every situation to them seem funny. He opened the door of the car for some air to come in, the smell of gas from the other side made it to his smelling buds as he scrunched his nose as a response. 

The blonde slid down the seat as he laid his head on Changbin's thigh, his legs resting on the front seat's back. "Chan will kill you." - he voiced when seeing his action, looking down at him he smiled at his sticking his tongue out. 

"He's barely pumping gas, missed a hole twice. Won't even budge about this." - they maintained eye contact for some time, silence draped over them as at one point Changbin thought he'd actually fall asleep. That was until Felix spoke. 

"Seungmin and I are dating." - the words made the other sit frozen, trying to register what he just said and connect everything to what it'll resolve to. "Oh- um. But didn't you say you don't want commitment at the moment?"

Felix chewed on his bottom lip, the eye contact being broken as his gaze flickered over to something else. Though Changbin's eyes were still glued on the other’s face. 

"Well yea but- yknow. We're still discussing it. It's not a firm relationship at the moment but we'll get to it." - he slowly nodded, still waiting for the news to sink in. "That mean- the thing we have won't be happening anymore?" 

He asked with a lump in his throat which he had to swallow. He didn't know why his mood dropped so low but it did manage. "Yea. Sorry." - he blonde voiced before he went to slowly sit up. 

  
  


_ "I really don't know what to do- but I may like him." - Jisung's words rang in his mind. By knowing the two secrets now of each of them actually having the mutual feelings for each other made him actually feel a bit odd.  _

_ He didn't like the thought of that. "I think you should go for it. Talk about it with him, explain your feelings and you'll see. You're best friends, you always communicate and find a resolution to everything."  _

_ But all he could do is sit back, be a good friend to him and watch the situation unfold.  _

_ That night he couldn't fall asleep, there was just something heavy against his chest that didn't make him feel relaxed enough to manage and get some sleep.  _

_ That situation that happened made him realise he has feelings for Changbin. He doesn't know when they started but somewhere down their hang outs, sex nights, other soft things that Changbin would actually do with him which meant a lot to the other and just them talking and opening up about anything.  _

_ He knew he had to repress the feelings, and the only way to do so is find affection in someone else which will lead to them not being friends with benefits anymore. Only person he knows for that is Seungmin.  _

_ A friend of his with whom he has a lot of classes together. They instantly became close and you could say that Seungmin is his personal cuddle buddy. They'd spend time by watching anime and cuddle, study for upcoming exams and end up cuddling and falling asleep on his bed.  _

_ The day before Jisung's birthday and planned events he talked to him about feelings which were, to his surprise or not such a surprise, mutual.  _

  
  
  
  


"We hung out, he treats me the way no other guy actually did for a long time, made me open my eyes and just- yknow, kinda got some feelings going on for him." - he said while playing with the fabric of his jeans, clenching his jaw to prevent the sudden urge to cry. 

  
  


The makeout which happened in the bathroom was to see if he really does have feelings for the boy. The outcome of it was a beating heart and butterflies eating his stomach alive as the feeling of euphoria hit him at once. 

  
  


"If he treats you the right way then- yea, you should go after him. The thing between us was- so and so just sex." - the words that came out of his mouth managed to stung his heart the way he didn't know it actually could. 

On the other hand Changbin felt the regret of saying what he just did, since it came to his realization that it didn't feel at one point 'just sex' to him. 

"Yea. And um-- maybe you should take a bullet and talk about your feelings with Sungie. Trust me, won't regret it." - said words made the other look at him as he managed to catch Felix wipe his eyes into his shirt's sleeve. Was he- crying. 

Their conversation was interrupted as the others started to finally come back. So many questions were running around his mind as everything started to feel different now. 

  
  
  


Chipper of the birds was the first thing he heard when waking up. The first sight was an image of a gloomy weather that matched his mood. Catching the time of 3 something at the afternoon on his phone's screen made him groan at the fact. 

Only thing he remembers at this moment is everything that caused his mood to drop and the fact that Chan had to carry his drunk ass to his apartment, all the way up to the fourth floor. Had to stay with him for some time to take care of him after he threw up and at one point he remembers Jisung tucking him in bed. 

The light flashbacks of how much alcohol he mixed on their second clubbing made him sick again. 

When taking his phone again he saw the reminder on his phone which was still not swiped away. He stared at it with a heavy chest before tossing his phone away and covering himself with the sheets. 

He hates the change. Hates the fact that he managed to develop something for Felix and now this happens. Some higher spirit playing tricks on him and he sure isn't liking the game. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment and kudos if you liked it. thank you for reading !


	3. rejection sucks, but the change is worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finally updated. my final projects are stressing me so much, i barely have any free time to do what i like, it even takes the will out of me and enthusiasm to write. but anyway, enough of me venting, one more chapter and it's done. kinda wanna write more since i really enjoyed writing this.

_ “I thought you loved me, how could you do this to me?” _ \- the female in the kdrama screamed out at a male character that, in Changbin’s opinion, gave zero f’s about her and he sure doesn’t know how she was so blind about it. He doesn’t like the plot, nor the characters. But he has to watch it since he’s having a movie night with his best friends. 

Chan being the only one to actually be excited about it, when in the middle of it even he ended up browsing through his phone. Jisung on the other hand tried to suppress the boredom by throwing a piece of snack in the air and try to catch it with his mouth. 

Changbin’s mind would at one point keep track of the scenes unfolding in front of his eyes until he’d start to think about something else as it would fogg his mind and not keep up with the present. It was noticed by his friends since he didn’t respond to Jisung’s call outs.

Once his voice managed to break through the barricade of thoughts he’d slowly turn his head towards the latter and look at him with doe eyes. “You okay?” - he only nodded at the question which even he didn’t want to think about. “As I was saying then- wanna get high?” 

His eyes caught Chan already taking out the needed stuff. He guesses they’ve been having a full on conversation about it while he was spaced out. A deep inhale followed by him stretching his limbs, he hummed in agreement at the proposal. 

After Jisung took a hit he was the next one to do so. Inhaling the smoke through his mouth while inhaling clean air through his nose. With only that his mind was already starting to get relaxed. He exhaled the smoke, lazy eyes shifting to the brunette before he passed the joint over to Chan. 

Hit after another, he lost count on how many rounds they’ve had. After he took many gulps of water he tossed the bottle on the coffee table. Laying on his back on the couch as he placed one hand under his head. 

All of a sudden a heavy feeling of sadness washed over his body, it felt like everything around him felt far away, like he wasn’t attended mentally in the current situation. His chest started to feel heavy, eyes getting watery as the uncomfortable feeling in his throat started to form. 

In a quick motion he got off the couch, pulling the attention towards him. He mumbled a quick ‘Have to use the bathroom’ before he walked out of the living room. Fast footsteps went directly towards the bathroom as he gently closed the door behind him.

He tried to focus on his reflection in the mirror but all his mind could run back to are the things that make his chest feel even more heavy and make his heart ache.  _ “And um-- maybe you should take a bullet and talk about your feelings with Sungie. Trust me, won't regret it." _ \- Felix’s words echoed through his head. The split emotion of not knowing what to believe in anymore haunted him. 

Maybe he should do so. Before other feelings manage to control his heart. They can talk about it, they always have solutions to everything. And communication truly is the key. He just needs to take it off his chest. 

His thoughts were interrupted by another opening the door and calling out his name. When he saw Chan slip through the door inside the bathroom through the mirror, even though his mind may seem hazy and slow he did manage to see the worried look on his friend’s face. 

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about things, Binnie.” - he sat on the edge of the tub, cupping his own hands over his knees like a prayer’s hands while looking up at him. “But I did notice how you changed since last week. I want all good for you, and you know I’m here for you, Sungie too- unless it has something to do with him.” 

Something was not letting him to look at his friend’s face. He stared at his reflection in the mirror as his eyes started to get shiny from the tears. “I’m just- fuck. I don’t even know. But you don’t need to worry about me, I got everything under control.” -he quickly wiped the tears away with his sleeve, feeling Chan’s presence getting closer. He turned him towards him and pulled him in a tight hug before patting his back.

“Don’t let it get out of control like last time, okay? I need you alive.” - the hug felt comforting. He inhaled deeply and cleared his throat before pulling away from the hug. “I know, thank you, everything you do means a lot to me.” - he got a smile from the blonde as he exchanged it with his mere one.

When back in the living room he saw Jisung’s eyes following his movements. After he sat down the boy came to snuggle beside him. His usual high state is very cuddly so he embraced him by pulling him closer. 

  
  


-

It didn’t come to Changbin’s mind of how long it actually passed from last time that he visited Jisung’s and Felix’s shared apartment. Well to one two weeks wouldn’t be a long time but since he’d stop by at least once in every day when possible, it was a long time for them. 

“Just place it on the kitchen’s counter.” - the brunette voiced from the hallway as he walked to the kitchen, placing the korean take out bags aside before he started to take off his jacket. In that moment he could hear Felix’s voice communicating with Jisung before he appeared in the kitchen himself. 

They exchanged looks as Felix’s first impression was getting a bit startled since he didn’t know he’d be stopping by. “Oh, hi.” - a smile painted his lips, the simple words that have left his lips made him notice how much he missed hearing his voice.

He greeted him back but the heaviness could be felt in the air without another word. His eyes followed his body that quickly walked over to the fridge, taking out a bottle of black tea and forest fruit juice. The pink bootyshorts the boy wore with a white oversized shirt made it a hard task for his eyes to look away.

But the bit of sanity he had inside of him, his gaze managed to fall somewhere else. “Wanna have some of the food?” - Jisung voiced once he entered the kitchen, words pointed at the blonde. “No, it’s okay, you two just eat.” - he replied simply while pouring the liquid in two glasses he took out of the cabin. 

  
  


“Want me to save some for later, so and so we bought too much.” - he continued with his proposals as Felix hopped over to the bags and peaked inside. “mmm is that honey chicken? Then you better save some for me.” - the brunette chuckled at his well known obsession over chicken.

Before he left, the boy placed a bowl of strawberries and the two glasses of juice on a plastic platter and with small footsteps and an ‘eat well’ left the room. Changbin could only guess that he had Seungmin over, and he sure was right after hearing some inaudible talking by a known voice.

He didn’t know how to feel about that fact so he simply ignored it. After they ate their food, a sudden thought came to Changbin as he asked the boy if he wanted to go for a walk down by the stream. The moon already being up in the sky, shining with it’s half lit image, perfect time for a silent relaxing walk.

“Sure, why not.” - by this time Seungmin has already left, according to the front door opening and closing as he heard them bid a goodbye. The half empty or completely empty packs of food were stashed over the coffee table as Changbin took the cup of his drink and emptied it. 

After Jisung left the chicken for his roommate and after all the trash was cleaned they made their way out of the apartment. Jisung notifying Felix by yelling out his name “Lixie, we’re going out!” - getting a simple ‘kay!’ in return before they were out of the door. 

The walk was mostly silent when it came to their conversation. Enjoying the art of nature when they were coming closer to the mentioned location. A few houses and buildings could still be seen from afar as silhouettes in the dark night as this one. 

Crickets would chatter in the grass but not one could be seen, as the water flowing its way for a long journey made a soft noise for their ears. Once they sat in front of the mentioned stream, a thing that was meant to be talked about between them felt like it wanted to pour out of his mouth but it’s like something inside of his chest was stopping him from doing so. 

The silence between them grew for a few more minutes before Jisung spoke his name softly. “Binnie-” - with that he quickly voiced his own, already wanted to be said, words. “I need to talk to you about something.” - his gaze fell over to his side on Jisung’s eyes that were already looking at him. “That’s-” - a small chuckle left his lips as their eye contact was still lasting. “- something i wanted to say as well.”

“Wanna go first?” - the other asked not wanting to be pushy and talk over his words. “No no, you go first.” - he nodded at the said words, inhaling deeply as an action of getting the courage back inside of him.

“Well- I like you, Sung. I don’t know how you feel about me, this might somehow change our friendship and how you’ll look at me if your feelings aren’t mutual but- I just really needed to get it off my chest.” - the silence that seemed to last long in Changbin’s opinion was killing him. Even though the words made Jisung smile as he took a few seconds to speak up himself. 

“Binnie-- I don’t know when such a thought got to my head as well but- all of this, us. The things you've done for me, been there for me no matter what- I think I developed feelings for you too. But look, sine at the moment I’m really fucked up on what has happened and I don’t want to ruin our friendship and flush everything down the toilet if something bad happens in the end so- I want to try and see if the thing between us will work. The communication between us is strong and the bond is even tighter. So if it won’t work out we’ll still be friends.”

Maybe he has too much hope in this, but who cares, maybe it will work out in the end. 

By scooching closer to him he leaned his lips close to Changbin’s, making his eyes lazily fall down on his lips before they closed the space between them. 

The kiss felt soft, lasting longer than the first kiss they “unintentionally” shared on Chan’s roof. Their lips moved in a steady pace as shy tongues would glide over each other. Changbin’s hand cupped Jisung’s cheek as his palm was resting on the dark haired boy’s chest. 

He gave his everything, every secret emotion he’s been hiding from him, he poured it all out through the kiss. Kissing the boy like he was his fragile little flower. The lack of people, as at this hour no one was in the spot they were at the moment, made the kiss last long. 

Once he broke the kiss, Jisung followed after his lips to which he chuckled afterwards in shyness as Changbin smiled at the boy’s cute behaviour. 

-

His bright mood and energetic behaviour was noticed by Chan, the boy had to talk to him in private to tell him what exactly happened and the deal they made out of their current situation. Chan being his supportive friend like always he hoped everything would work out.

“Gosh, I know the thing will work out between you two. Might as well plan the wedding now.” - he got a done look from his friend as he gently punched his shoulder with a laughter following behind. “I hope it will. I really- really like him.” 

Changbin went on, his eyes being glued on a spot in front of him. “The alcohol is making you emotional, mate.” - the blonde added as the other only shook his head slightly at his words with a small smile before he took another gulp of cider.

Two sundays have passed since that night, since their schedules weren’t so packed now they were going out more often, their texting and calls would last until the deepest of nights, Changbin would always text him a cute sticker in the morning before he left for his classes. 

  
  


The movie nights would be at Jisung’s place on a friday night. A bowl of popcorn with an alcoholic beverage to the side as they’d cuddle on the couch. At times he’d catch Jisung’s absence but he’d only shake it off and say he’s just tired, pecking his cheek to put an end to his worry.

He’d hear Felix’s soft footsteps walking from the kitchen then back, if asked by his roommate if he wants to join them he’d just say that he has to study and give them a smile before he’d walk back to his room. 

The texts between him and Felix got less frequent, they’d only see each other when Changbin would stop by and have short conversations before he’d go back to his room to study and work on his projects. 

“I’m happy for you two.” - that was a big lie which he tried to convince himself into. Changbin would chuckle at his words, eyes following the boy’s movements as he’d prepare himself coffee. “It’s still not official, but thank you.” - silence fell over them. Jisung went to use the toilet to do his morning routine since Changbin busted in the early mornings. At least early for Jisug since he’d never wake up at 10am on a saturday. The two were left alone in the kitchen.

“Hey.” - Changbin started off as he caught Felix’s attention. The boy turned towards him, eyes still washed with tiredness as they were a bit puffy. He was still in his bottom pj’s and a short sleeve oversized shirt, not planning to change anytime soon. 

“The thing I said, that what was going on between us was just sex- I really didn’t mean that. We’re friends, before anything else, and I really don’t want us to slowly part just because we’re not friends with benefits anymore.” - he finally got it off his chest since it was haunting him since that day. 

“Binnie, it happened a while ago, let it be. I know you didn’t mean them. Surprising you even remember since you got really wasted.” - the blonde turned back to pour his coffee as Changbin scratched the back of his head at his words. “Well it haunted me, I regret saying it. But yea- I guess the conversation we had cleared my head for a bit.”

A small ‘yea’ left Felix’s lips before Jisung finally came out of the bathroom. “Am ready.” - he voiced, since they planned to hang out at Changbin’s place he wore something comfortable yet fashionable. When Changbin hopped off the stool and they bid a goodbye to Felix, they didn’t catch Felix’s smile fading away and how his mood dropped so low that his chest started to hurt.

Before going to Changbin’s place they stopped at a coffee shop for a better wake up for Jisung. When at his place their hang out went leisurely. Autumn's nights come faster than expected. But the time actually went by pretty fast since it was already 7pm.

Somewhere at the end of a movie, that they started to watch after Changbin was done with some work he had to quickly finish, Jisung lazing beside him. The soft pecks would turn into long soft kisses as they would turn into a heated make out session. 

They’d always share small soft kisses so this was their first time getting a bit touchy with each other. Changbin’s strong arms pulled the boy on his lap as they continued the messy dancing of their tongues and gentle lips bites. His hands slowly sneaked under his shirt as Jisung’s hands were gripping on the other’s shirt.

He started to slowly grind against Changbin’s thighs so in one quick motion he stood up from the couch while carrying the boy as he grabbed him underneath his thighs. When they entered his bedroom he gently placed him on the bed as he laid between Jisung’s spread thighs. 

His lips slowly broke off from the kiss, ghosting over his glossy bruised lips before he trailed his own down Jisung’s neck to place soft kisses on it. 

Soft panting would leave his lips, arms loosely wrapped around Changbin’s shoulders as his soft eyes were looking up at the ceiling. Like a strike of emotions hit him at once as he quickly spoke up. “Fuck- Changbin I can’t do this.” 

The latter stopped in his actions as he pulled away to look at the boy. He’d understand if this would be his first time and give him more time, but he lost his virginity, slept even with guy’s he’d just met so this didn’t have to do anything with not being ready. And the whole time he could feel him not exactly being present, at least not wanting to. 

“What’s wrong?” - the question left in almost a whisper before he got off of his body. Jisung sat up as cusses left under his breath, eyes starting to water before he stood up. Walking slowly away from the bed as his fingers got caught in his hair. 

“I don’t want to l-lead you on- then crush everything before it’s too late. I don’t thi-think I can do this, Changbin.” - he was tripping over his words as his bottom lips shook. Changbin didn’t think the words quite hit him yet as he felt numb to them, a headache started to form as he couldn’t even speak, he was so caught off guard by it. 

“You were the one who would always be there for me- I actually had no one so close to me that would raise me mentally. Even Chan doesn’t know half of the shit I’ve been through, but you know everything. After my heart was played so many times, and I was just so lost and exhausted already- I guess your kindness and care made me think I have some feelings for you but- the more I actually thought, a week after- the way you treated me was so- of a person that’s in love. I love you too Changbin but- I don’t think it’s something more than a friend.” 

Anger and sadness mixed in his body as the person he actually hated was himself. How could he even believe for a split second that the boy would have mutual feelings for him. “This just made me realise it more- I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before since i was doubting it myself.” 

Changbin sat on the bed as he stared at the floor, not having the strength to look up at him. “It’s okay, it’s not your fault. Can’t choose on who’ll you like and who you won’t.” - he didn’t know what to do with himself, didn’t have the will to do anything at the moment. 

Once he walked him to the door and they bid a goodbye. Jisung’s eyes were full of worry as he left the apartment with the urge to stay and monitor to see if he’ll do something bad to harm himself. 

With the click of the door closing he walked to the bathroom and slid against the wall to sit on the floor. Every emotion has hit him now as the small cries turned into painful sobs, his chest felt so heavy, everything felt so different so strange. Like he lost a big part of himself. 

Not at how the rejection really hurt but the thought of their friendship changing hurt even more. He hates this, hates how he actually thought something would come out of this, with simple words and confessions he managed to change their friendship. 

He couldn’t take the feeling of loneliness, he needed someone to talk to him. Since he took his phone with him he quickly dialed Chan’s number and called him. His throat felt heavy, eyes red and tears streaming down his cheeks as his chest hurt so bad that his hand was clenching his shirt. 

“ _ Binnie? _ ” - he picked up the sobbing as his question came out full of worry. “Chan-” - more sobbing followed as he couldn’t even speak normally for the cries to not interrupt him.

  
  


_ Just when he passed Felix’s room to go grab a glass of water in the middle of the night, he overheard something that made him stop in his way. By quietly and slowly leaning on one leg to stand closer to the door he heard the words a bit muffled but could understand them.  _

_ “Don’t know how I’ll continue handling it but as long as they're happy together. It’s my fucking fault for falling for him, shouldn’t get my ass involved in this and fuck something up between them.” - silence followed, sounding like someone on the other line was now talking as he could hear a sniffle come from Felix. _

_ “Am not putting myself down, Innie- yea, no I know.” - Jisung felt wrong overhearing his roommate’s phone call, but on the other side he was thankful for running into it, it made him think more about the situation between him and Changbin, regret and unsettling feeling creeped over his body of being afraid to hurt him and accept it himself that he isn’t actually ‘in’ love in love with him. _

_ “But yea- I also wanted to tell you that it’s better if i break up with Seungmin now before it’ll be too late. Just can’t see him as something more than friends, he was the closest to me physically the past few months of my hard time so he was- I guess my only hope of forgetting everything for a moment.--- gosh, i need to stop seeking comfort in people and need to stop replacing sadness with pleasure.”  _

_ Without wanting to hear more Jisung slowly made his way towards the kitchen, the unsettling feeling was still holding onto him as the task to breathe got hard to him.  _

  
  


-

The emotion stayed on his chest, turning into an everyday mood. He felt even worse than what he did after things changed between him and Felix. He didn’t hear a word from Jisung for a solid week. Hates how things have changed so quickly. It might not seem as big of a change to one, but Changbin usually hates change, so the distance between him and Jisung is a big deal to him. But with Felix, things got better when it comes to them talking now.

In their conversations none would mention Jisung. Changbin did not want to, for the sake of not having to cry every day and Felix caught up on what had happened between them so he thought it wouldn’t be a good idea to even mention him. 

  
  


On a gloomy day like this, where the dark clouds covered the sky, light rain falling from its softness as the concrete got already soaked and humidity started to run through the air. It made Changbin stand up from where he sat on his couch and did his readings. 

His apartment was in a dim light even though it was past noon. It made a calm atmosphere as the soft sound of the rain made him feel sleepy. But the coffee that was placed aside his laptop was keeping him awake. 

When closing the window he heard his phone signaling him for a new notification. Walking back to his recent place where he’s been sitting already for the past two hours, he grabbed his phone and read the message from Felix that lit up his phone. It read that he’s coming back home from his class, but he has a project in a subject which he isn’t good at so he asked him if he could help.

As he sat down he typed in his answer, the message being instantly read as he replied with a quick ‘thanks’ and two x’s in the end. The answer made a small ‘tsk’ leave his lips before he placed his phone aside as his eyes fell on his laptop’s screen which was located on his coffee table. 

The amount of text made him sigh as he continued to read the assigned theme of one of the subjects.

The doorbell rang, signaling him that Felix made it to his apartment. He picked up the phone and when he heard Felix’s voice he pressed the button for the main door of the building to open. He quickly went to take two bottles of cider out of the fridge since he’s on the fifth floor, it'll take him a while to get to his apartment since the elevator doesn’t exist in the building where he lives.

Three soft knocks were heard from the main big room which was his living room. With fast footsteps he went to the front door to unlock it, once opening it, it revealed a wet Felix with a binder in his hands as he was hugging it tightly to his chest. His hair was damp as his clothes had patterns of wet dots to big wet blobs.

“You’re soaked- why don’t you have an umbrella with you?” - he quickly stepped aside to let him in. when he locked the door behind him he made his way to the bathroom. “I forgot it, it didn’t rain when I left my apartment. Didn’t check the weather either so I didn’t know.”

The excuses were a bit muffled when he entered the bathroom to grab a towel, but he managed to understand every word. Once he got back Felix already placed his backpack aside, his oversized thick sweater was discarded from his body as he had a short sleeve shirt underneath. 

He tossed the towel at him as he quickly caught it. “You’ll catch a cold. Go dry your hair, yknow where the hairdryer is and take one of my hoodies before we start.” - he talked as he walked to the couch again, sitting down and taking his phone, making the time when Felix gets ready for him to have a small break.

While walking towards the bathroom, with a towel he dried his blonde hair, more like platinum by now. Last night he decided to ruin his hair even more because why not. Since psychology college doesn’t take much time out of his time and when dealing with sadness of sorts he tends to play with his hair.

The noise from the hairdryer could be heard, lasting for a short time until he heard soft footsteps walk towards his bedroom, that’s when he also saw his black martin's laying discarded in the middle of his living room. 

Changbin stood up to place them on the small shoe rack that was next to the main door, grabbing his sweater as well as he placed it over the drying rack which he had to take inside from the balcony since it’s raining. 

While doing so Felix walked back to the living room. He stood close to the couch while looking at Changbin. “Ready?” - he voiced, catching his attention with his voice since his back was facing him. It made him turn around to look at the boy wearing one of his hoodies which fell loosely over his shoulders and one of his sweats since his own jeans got soaked as well.

He looked soft in his clothes, presentable for a good cuddling session. But of course they couldn’t do that now. Not for a specific reason, rather it would feel awkward or Changbin just doesn’t know if the boy would feel comfortable doing so. But that’s actually only what he thought.

“Since you go to a  Clinical Laboratory Science college I thought you might help me with a science project.” - he talked while taking out some needed stuff from his backpack, sitting cross legged on the couch. “Some special kind of a project that will depend on our quarter grade and some bullshit.” 

Changbin only hummed at that as he took a few papers from the younger, examining the written things on it. He could feel a pair of eyes being glued on him as when he shifted his eyes upwards he caught Felix looking at him, getting a quick smile from him.

“There’s cider in the kitchen if you wanna drink it.” - without a second thought he immediately stood up and went to get it. Once he was back they started to work on his project.

Once they were almost done, Felix typing the last few words for an ending as Changbin sat closer to him now. Monitoring what he was doing and telling him on how to improve some parts. His phone rang, Changbin caught Jisung’s name on the ID as Felix looked at him, getting an obvious permission that he can answer.

“Yea? No, I’m out. --- You don’t need to buy anything for me, not really hungry. Mm buy a pack- yea, just in case. Kay, thanks. -- I’m at-- I’m in the library finishing up a project. I’ll take a cab back, don’t have an umbrella with me.” - after saying a bye he hung up. 

Slowly placing the phone on the coffee table as his eyes shifted over to Changbin. 

After a good week he finally heard his voice, that being over a phone he really missed hearing him. It hurt so much once everything got attached to his chest again, every little thing that has happened and every emotion got to him again.

“You okay?” - Felix’s voice was soft, words carefully chosen, thought twice if he should ask or just continue. “Yea- just-- finish up.” - it was hard to talk as he tried not to cry. The situation was hard on him, made him feel depressed and have regular breakdowns. 

The whole time he thought about his voice while Felix was finishing up his project, not being able to concentrate and monitor him anymore. The more he thought the more it felt hard for him to contain his tears. He didn’t want to cry in front of him, didn’t want to make it awkward for both of them now.

But his emotions are stronger than his will so it easily took over him as tears started to pour out of his eyes one after another. He quickly wiped them away with his sleeve, the sniff betraying him as it caught Felix’s attention. He quickly turned towards him, heart sinking at what he saw.

Without a word he got closer and brought him to himself. Embracing him against his chest as the boy loosely placed his arms around his waist, softly crying against his shoulder as the tears made the hoodie have small wet patterns on it.

No words had to be said for Changbin to feel warm and welcome in his embrace. Quiet crying continued for a few minutes as he felt too overwhelmed with everything. Felix’s hand gently and slowly pushed his fingers through his hair. Massaging his scalp lightly as he held him without the intention to let go anytime soon. 

Once the crying stopped they were resting their sides on the couch’s header, turned towards each other as Felix’s leg was placed over Changbin’s thighs. A comfortable position like this was as comfortable as they were with each other. His small fingers wiped the boy’s wet cheek as his breathing got steady.

Puffy eyes were staring down at Felix’s necklace, too shy to look up at his eyes. A hand creped up to gently take the pendant of the necklace, examining it without any specific intention as it made the other smile a bit at his action. 

“Hey, want me to bring you a glass of water?” - he finally spoke softly after a long time of no exchange in words. He shook his head lightly before taking a deep inhale. They parted from their current position as he took his phone to look at the time.

Felix’s eyes didn’t leave his figure. “Want to stay over for dinner. I planned on making pasta with shrimps tonight.” - it made the other hum in agreement, lips already curling in a smile. “Then finish this up, I’ll go make us dinner.” 

After some time as he finished up and was already browsing through his phone the smell coming from the kitchen got to his nostrils, making his mouth wet at the delicious smell. He got off the couch and tiptoed towards the kitchen. 

“Aren’t you a good chef, hm?” - the words grabbed Changbin’s attention as he was preparing the two plates. “Don’t talk before you try it.” - it made him chuckle as he quickly said an ‘okay okay’, sitting on one of the stools. 

He got a plate placed in front of him, “Thank you, host.” - once Changbin was set next to him after pouring wine in two wineglasses, they started to eat the deliciously prepared food. Felix covered his mouth as he hummed in satisfaction. “Wow- so good.” 

It made Changbin smile at his reaction as his eyes examined the boy’s face. “Thanks.” 

They finished up the dinner with some small talk, chatting with the wine before it got a bit late. Felix gathered his stuff and wore his own clothes after Changbin had to blow dry it since it wasn’t dry yet. 

Felix was sat on the washing machine while drinking his third glass, giggling every once and then as Changbin would give him glares while blow drying his jeans.

“Thank you for helping me with the project and for such a good meal.” - Felix voiced after putting on his black martin’s, Changbin stood by the open door saying he shouldn’t thank him for that.

As he was about to walk out Felix gave him a quick tight hug which surprised the other but he immediately embraced him with one arm since his other hand was holding the door. “Bye bye.” - he gave him a smile back before he walked out of the door, waving once walking down the hall. 

Changbin would look after him with a mere smile as he’d hop down the stairs, going back inside his apartment only once he lost the sight of him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you all enjoyed reading this, and thank you all. leave kudos and comments, it really makes me happy and want to improve in writing.


	4. you give me that feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW / self harm
> 
> i thought this would be the last chapter but then i changed my mind and wanted to add more stuff, the development of their relationship and of course another character that i've already tagged appearing.

His trembling fingers started to get numb. The small sniffs and quiet cries that would slip from his lips were the only heard sound in the heavy silence of his apartment. The blood that would gather on the cut parts would start to pour down the skin of his thigh. Drops falling on the grey tiles of his bathroom, by now three decent drops painted such a monotone color.

Toilet paper was discarded all over the floor, some soaked in blood as some were just rumpled. Cusses started to pour out of his mouth once his mind got more aware of the situation. ‘ _ Fuck- Not again, not again-’  _ \- he thought as the razor fell from the grip of three of his fingers. 

The tight feeling around his chest was still there, making it harder for him to calm down and stop the tears falling down his cheeks that would appear then stop for a few moments. 

The sight of the blood made him remember his past experience, something that happened two years ago, the thought made him feel unsettling as regret seeped through his mind. 

As the crying stopped the silence slowly started to eat him alive again. He felt numb by now, tired and empty. Once gathering the strength he got up from where he was sitting against the wall, a usually taken spot when he feels low. 

Taking a glimpse from the mirror and seeing the fresh long cuts on the side of his thigh accompanying the white wounds from before made him quickly put his sweats back on, after pressing for a long time on the cuts he hoped it stopped bleeding fully by now.

Picking up the scattered paper, he threw it in the toilet and flushed it before he walked over to the sink to wash his face with cold water. The softness of the towel dried his skin as he took a deep breath and slowly walked out of the bathroom.

While walking to the living room he started to feel the cuts sting a bit, quite normal but annoying, since the sweats are kind of hugging his legs so when the fabric scrapes it, it hurts. But when he took a glance at his thigh he saw small patterns of blood forming on the light grey fabric of the piece of clothing.

_ ‘Shit’  _ \- the words flew silently from his mouth as he quickly went to his room. Once inside he took his bottom pj’s that are light and don’t make tight contact with his legs. When he slipped from his sweats he cringed at the blood, it made his heart feel heavy. 

With few tissues he pressed on the cuts again as he sat on the bed in his boxers and a black t-shirt only, the coldness from his apartment making him get goosebumps again. 

When he managed to clean every needed thing he had spent the night watching a movie on the couch while snacking on some food. The movie managed to make him even more tired as he at one point fell asleep.

The full moon shining from up high through his window as it lit up his living room, making the room dim with the illumination of his tv flashing the movies that continued one after another.

  
  


-

  
  
  


Changbin’s low mood isn't as noticeable as it was last time. When he’s with Chan or bumps into Felix and Jeongin and they’d share a cup of coffee at a cafe he’d feel okay, glad to be able to hang out with them and talk about anything as it would distract his inner overthinking.

But once he’s alone in his apartment he feels trapped and like a stranger to his own home. 

The most boring, to him, classes are on a monday, so once his 2pm class was done he was more than glad to finally be able to go home. 

While walking home he stopped by a coffee shop to grab a large americano since he already knew he'd be too lazy to make himself one yet he needs it to survive the studying session he's preparing to have tonight. 

Once at his building, the slow footsteps on the stairs made him take a while until he was at his apartment. Wishing a good day to a passing neighbour that went the other direction, his fast footsteps made him think he's in a hurry. 

Changbin himself is kind of in a hurry as well but he doesn't quite have the will to put more speed and strength into his walking. 

Once he got to his apartment and unlocked it, to his not surprise he was met with a fully empty and cold apartment. 

By dropping his things next to the door he went to turn on the heating and for once make his apartment warm without having to think about the bills. 

Taking a few sips from his coffee, he placed his laptop on the coffee table, slowly preparing for a tiring part of the day. For a bit he thought if he should eat something but he quickly changed his mind. 

He hadn't eaten at all today, a piece of a toast was the only thing that made his stomach 'full'. He thought that if he continues like this he'll lose weight. 

That thought was subtle, it wasn't something he'd think of all the time. Hitting the gym makes his body beautifully sculpted but here and there he still thinks he should maybe lose some weight and how his cheeks could be thinner like before so his cheekbones are more visible. 

But those were just some small details and worries that accompanied the bigger and harsher ones. 

The moment he came back with a few needed notebooks the doorbell rang. It made him stop in his movements for a second as he thought who could it be. 

Chan for sure not, he still has classes, Felix always texts him to make sure if he's at home before coming over. He checked his phone but there were no messages. 

He slowly made his way over to the front door, when opening it he was met by Jisung that started to walk away but quickly stopped in his tracks. 

"Oh- hi. I thought you- weren't at home since it took you awhile- umm." - his heart started to beat fast at the sight of the boy he hadn't seen for a week and a few days. 

He himself didn't know how to act anymore, he felt like a stranger to him and it hurt deep down to accept the fact that their friendship managed to change. 

"Can I come in?" - without a word he stepped to the side so the latter could walk in. The first thing that caught his eyes were the scattered book and an open laptop. "Did I come at the wrong time?" 

Once he locked the door behind him, Changbin turned to look at him. "I don't know, Jisung, you actually never came for the past weeks." - he couldn't hold back the fact of still being hurt yet still blaming it on himself. But Jisung's actions hurt more than the rejection. 

"Bin- I hate myself for doing so. I'm so so sorry. I panicked, didn't know if you'd like to even look at me after what I did." - he could hear the lump that was forming in his throat which he tried to ignore as he spoke further. 

"A word probably won't help, I don't know how to fix this- but I miss you every single day, I'm worrying about you but the thought of you hating me was blocking me from calling you. I was scared- Binnie." - the other could only shake his head slightly as his gaze tore from Jisung's face that held so much worry and regret. 

"I'm not mad at you- Sung. How could I ever be mad at someone I love endlessly, regarding the tag. You're my best friend since forever. I care more about you than I do about myself." - the words managed to make the brunette tear up as a few drops slipped out, quickly being wiped by him.

"I hate myself for actually thinking that you actually have feelings for me." - his words turned a tone down as his chest started to feel heavy. 

“It was not your fault but mine--" - Jisung quickly added. Silence followed behind, it didn't feel awkward nor heavy, Changbin just didn't know what to say anymore. 

Without a warning he was being tightly embraced by Jisung. His own arms slowly made their way to loop around his waist. 

The hug made him feel overwhelmed. It was so warm and known. Felt like home. The contact made his skin feel strange, but a good kind of strange. 

He brought them two cups of coffee that he made for them, by this time Jisung was using the bathroom. They decided to sit on the balcony since the air was refreshing. He wore his warm hoodie so he wouldn't feel the chilly weather against his skin. 

After Jisung washed his hands, his gaze fell on the mirror to check if his eyes are still a bit puffy. When patting his eyes with wet fingers he tried to reduce the puffiness, he walked over to the towel that hung beside a laundry basket. 

As he dried his hands his eyes caught Changbin’s grey sweatpants that had suspicious red patterns on them. Dark fell over his eyes as his heart sank. He knew very well how those could’ve happened and the fact that he has been clean for a few years by now made him feel responsible for his doing. 

He cussed under his breath, trying to calm down before he got out of the bathroom. Once he saw him sitting on the balcony’s sofa he sighed. He shouldn’t mention it to him but he should be there for him and have an eye on him like he did before.

They were sitting in silence, Changbin actually seemed relaxed. He‘d sip on his coffee, embraced his body to keep warm while looking at the view from his balcony. From the outside it did seem like he was calm but his mind was full of thoughts as he didn’t know what to say.

The whole time Jisung was biting on his bottom lip. It got so swollen that it even started to hurt, so he stopped and voiced slowly. “I really fucked it up this time, haven’t I?” - Jisung’s words came out in almost a whispering tone as his head slowly rose to look up at the other male.

Changbin’s eyes fell on him, his expression of his lips being in a straight line and eyes that looked like his eyelids were heavy and he couldn’t keep them fully open didn’t change. His gaze would land somewhere else as he didn’t know how to answer the question himself.

He took a deep inhale before he started to speak. “I don’t care- really don’t want the thing that happened between us when we tried to work out a relationship to affect our friendship. It hurts to see us slowly fall apart, not the fact that you don’t have mutual feelings for me. And if you keep mentioning it, if you keep the same mindset then it will be harder for me to forget it and move on. If we just- act like we did before this shit- I will be at peace and it will be easier on my side. You don’t need to worry if you broke my heart. You know I still love you and friendship is more important to me with you than anything else.” 

The words made Jisung tear up, it made him feel like shit for having Changbin be so caring about anything. “Fuck- I really don’t deserve you.” - he sniffed while wiping his eyes in the crook of his elbow. “Yea, you do. Otherwise I don’t even know where you’d be.” - it made him let out a small chuckle at such a fact, since Jisung literally can’t live without Changbin by his side.

“You know I’m always there for you too. And I regret my action of not seeing you for so long.” - he turned his body towards him, hand automatically going for his thigh but he quickly stopped himself from resting it on there. 

“Then to make it up for me we’ll spend two night over at Chan’s and hang out.” - without a second thought Jisung immediately gave an ‘deal’ as an answer as they exchanged a smile. Small giggle leaving Jisung’s lips.

  
  


-

  
  


A sunset is something so special to Changbin that he doesn’t have enough words to describe how much he loves it. “This is life, kids.” - Chan voiced from where he was laying on the roof between his two friends. 

It made Changbin smile as he heard Jisung chuckle at his words. “It sure is, especially if one of us falls from the roof.” 

“Come on we’re not that high. I feel relaxed, can still control my legs.” - Chan replied to Changbin, words coming out with a slow pace. He made eye contact with the brunette as they shared the look of being done with Chan being so careless yet it was still funny to them.

The night they’ve spent sleeping in the same bed again made Changbin open up about how he’s felt the past few weeks. They sat on the guest’s room bed after carrying Chan to bed when it got too late and he almost fell asleep on the roof. 

Jisung was carefully listening to his every word, chest feeling heavy at the thought of him being hard on himself and dealing with such stuff alone. They fell asleep as Changbin’s head was resting on Jisung’s chest, his hand slowly playing with his hair.

Jisung himself fell asleep hours later, when the sun started to rise was the time he started to drift to sleep.

  
  


-

As he finished up some work, Changbin decided to relax on the couch as the gloomy night and the rain pouring is making a calming atmosphere. The background sound of a kdrama playing on the tv made his apartment seem more alive as he was browsing on his phone on some boring scenes. 

A message popped on his screen seeing it’s from Felix hee opened the text as it read the same question he’d always ask before he wanted to stop over. But since it was 9pm by now he thought that it may be urgent so he quickly replied with a ‘yes’.

He didn’t get a reply back after it showed that he opened his message but instead he heard the doorbell ring. He smiled to himself as he got up to open the main door for him. Instead of waiting for a knock he opened the door and stood by the doorframe.

Once he got a sight from him climbing up the stairs he managed to see how soaked he is. Again. “Do you ever bring an umbrella with yourself?” - he voiced as he caught his attention, Felix looked up and saw him standing by the door with his arms crossed over his chest.

“I was out- in a bar with Innie. Don’t act like my mother, really don’t need this now.” - as he walked towards him he immediately walked past him inside. “Since you live closer to the city, you’re the closest for me to get at when something like this happens.” - Changbin locked the door behind them as he followed his footsteps that went to his bathroom.

“Already noticed that.” - he commented from behind him. Once the freckled boy walked inside the bathroom he started to discard his clothes. “Want me to get yo-” - he stopped in his words when Felix started to take off his jeans and panties, leaving him completely nake in front of his eyes. 

“Your clothes, yes please.” - his eyes examined the boy’s smooth skin, his perfect legs he misses grabbing, his plump ass and his small waist. That one mole on his right thigh he’d always trail his fingers over, the light wounds of short cuts on his hips and his cute belly button. 

He quickly tore his eyes from him and went to his bedroom. Not knowing himself anymore how he truly sees Felix since he’d always ignore the feelings that started to develop for him at one point. His mind started to run with thoughts as he picked the clothes he’ll give to him.

When he came back with a sweater of his and black sweatpants Felix was removing his makeup with baby wipes which Changbin kept in one of the cabins. “Here.” - he thanked him before he started to put them on since his body felt cold. 

The latter stood by the door watching him take his makeup off. Washing his face after with warm water and wiping his face in one of the towels, a mere smile appeared on Changbin’s lips after seeing his bare face, so perfect in his eyes.

Smooth skin on which a whole galaxy of well seen freckles was painted. Soft thoughts started to occupy his mind now as he wanted to do so many soft things with the boy in front of him. Wanted to make him smile and see him laugh.

“Why are you keeping an eye on me?” - he broke the silence as he started to place his clothes neatly on a radiator so it dries quickly. Giving him a little smile as a chuckle left his lips when they made eye contact. 

“No- sorry. I was just keeping you company.” - Felix hummed at that, the smile never leaving his lips. Once he was done, the boy walked over to him. They kept the eye contact until Changbin had to close his eyes since Felix started to lean in, closing the space between them carefully.

Once seeing Changbin will accept it, he placed his own lips on his. The kiss was slow and gentle. He could taste the alcohol on Felix’s tongue once they slightly brushed against each other. His hand was gently placed on Felix’s cheek, a soft gesture which made him place his own palm over Changbin’s hand.

The kiss went on, kept with a slow pace, until Felix tore his lips off his. They automatically made eye contact as to how close to each other they were. The blonde wouldn’t move away further, ghosting his lips over Changbin’s and teasing him as the other would chase his lips. 

“Fuck- Lixie. Aren’t you-” - before he could finish his question Felix shushed him with a quick peck. “We broke it off. Things didn’t go as planned.” - he kept it simple, not quite wanting to tell every detail of it.

“And no, I don’t plan to repeat our relationship from before. I like you, Hyung.” - he could catch his reaction at his own words, doe eyes widening a little as he slowly backed up a bit. Changbin stopped him from getting away any further as he gently grabbed him by the waist, pulling him against his chest.

Their noses touched which made him giggle, relax again against his touch. “So I wasn’t the only one catchin feelings.” - the confession made Felix bite a smile before he kissed his lips once again.

The softness turned into a heated make out session. Lip bites and messy tongues dancing against each other. Felix’s tongue trailed over the other’s upper lip, making him groan in response at the teasing action of his. 

After they’d deepen the kiss more, exploring each other’s mouths, they parted to catch their breaths. A string of saliva connected their lips before it broke. 

“How about we take this to my bedroom and not just stand here.” - Felix agreed on his request as he took him by the arm and pulled him to his bedroom. Once inside their lips connected again as clothes started to get discarded, falling on the floor carelessly.

Felix laid on the bed, resting on his elbows as he waited for Changbin to take his pants off. Once he did so he got on the bed, his knees dipping into the mattress as he got above the other male. 

The kiss was needy and rushed Felix’s hands were trailing from over his biceps, to gently gripping on his hair then trailing over his back as he kept him close. He felt his bulge press against his own, while moaning softly at the friction Changbin’s lips moved down to his neck.

Wet kisses would be placed on his sweet spot before he’d suck on it, creating a big dark mark so it’s noticeable from meters away. The younger got squirmy under his touch as small whines would leave his swollen glossy lips. 

Changbin’s hand started to slowly sneak over his front body, making him arch his back from the sheets as to how much he was needy for the older’s touch. “Does baby need to get prepped?” - Changbin’s low voice that came from his lips which appeared next to his ear, managed to create goosebumps down his body.

He could only shake his head at that. Playing with a dildo at least three times a week made him already all stretched out and ready. Changbin hummed at his response, biting on his bottom lip at the thought of the pretty boy playing with himself. 

As he kneeled on the bed again to be able and lean over a bit to reach for a bottle of lube and a condom, Felix’s eyes examined his body. Absorbing the sight since he missed seeing it, not realising how much until now.

Changbin placed the taken stuff on the bed before he took off his boxers, throwing them on the floor as it landed on one of the shirts. His hard cock rose up as Felix gulped at the view he got. He got overwhelmed at how long they haven’t done this, wanted to do everything, from tasting him to taking every inch of it.

“Can I suck you off?” - once asking shyness took over him for an unknown reason as he bit on his bottom lip, looking up at him with pleading eyes. “Sure, baby.” - they switched places as Felix left a few soft kisses on his lips. Slow and small kisses were littered down his body as he got closer to his private area.

A gesture he’d always do is to grab onto one’s thigh with one hand as with the other he’d grab his cock. In that moment his eyes caught fresh cuts on the outer part of his thigh. He didn’t show it, but his heart did sink as worry rushed through his mind. 

He started of with soft licks on the tip, eyes flickering from Changbin’s eyes to closing them fully and enjoying such a moment. Once he grabbed the younger’s hair gently with one hand, while resting on his other elbow, to signal him to not continue the teasing any further.

In one go Felix sank his head down, his cock disappearing inside of his throat as low moans started to leave Changbin’s lips. The warmth and the wetness of it felt so good to him. Since it had been a few months since they did it last time he did quite miss this. 

“Shi- you take me so well. And you look so beautiful while doing so.” - the praising made him moan around his cock, sending vibration to it as it made Changbin let out a groan from the sudden burst of pleasure. 

The length and the thickness would be quite a challenge at times to take but since he doesn’t have a gag reflex it’s easier for him to deepthroat him more often. As he started to bob his head with a steady pace he’d get more praises and low moans from him which were like music to his ears.

It didn’t last that long, as when he went for more after catching a breath Changbin had to stop him. “Baby. you’ll make me cum if you continue.” - a soft chuckle left his lips, when Felix’s eyes fell up at his face, the sight of his light pink cheeks made his heart feel snatched. 

It was the first time Felix felt another emotion aside from arousal and horniness during sex. His heart would react softly to the sight of him, his kisses and some actions of his. He enjoyed every minute of it and wanted it to last all night. 

He gulped as his face got closer to his wounds, Felix placed a few small kisses on it before he rose his body upwards, placing a kiss on his lips. “Make love to me, hyung.” - the words were whispered against his lips before Changbin caught them for another kiss before they switched positions again. 

Felix laid on his back, thighs immediately spreading for him as his eyes were glued on his body. Before he drizzled some lube over his fingers, he placed a pillow under Felix’s lower back for a better angle. By leaning down to connect their lips again while fingering him with two fingers which were pushed in with ease, he wanted the thrusts to be as smooth as possible. 

His small hip bucks would make his fingers go deeper as he fucked himself with a slow pace. “Feels good.” - Felix moaned out quietly against his lips, eyebrows furrowing gently at the pleasure he’s receiving. The fact that it’s Changbin who’s making him feel good aroused him even more.

Before he could take him to the verge, by pulling his fingers out Changbin grabbed a condom pack and slid it on while Felix’s hungry eyes were gazing at it the whole time. His cheeks turned a shade or light pink as his blistfull eyes were glistening. 

When he positioned himself over his hole, his hips pushed slowly forward, eyes never leaving his face only to get a pretty reaction from him. His eyes immediately closed, mouth fell agape as a single beautiful moan escaped his throat. 

When he pushed all the way in his body pressed against the younger, Felix’s arms automatically looped around his torso. None of them moved as they only stared into each other’s eyes. Changbin’s thumb caressed his cheek which made the younger turn his face to the side a bit and kiss it. 

It made him gently trail his thumb over his lips now while he’d place wet kisses on it, his tongue shily poking out once his lips would smooch it. The small teasing resolved to the younger sucking gently on it as they were making eye contact.

Once he pulled it out of his mouth he attacked his lips again and started to buck his hips with a steady pace. Soft humming would leave his mouth into the kiss, grabby hands exploring every inch of Changbin’s back.

Teasing the younger by ghosting his lips over his would make him whine, making a smile form on his own bruised ones. Instead they’d land on his forehead while he slowly fucked into him. It took so much strength in the younger to not moan out an _ I love you _ . He felt safe underneath him, wanted more of his everything.

The slow pace continued as small gentle kisses would be placed all over his face. Especially on his freckles which made the other shiver at his soft actions. “You’re so beautiful.” - the words would leave his lips against the latter’s ear, making him let out a small whimper.

“Get on your belly for me, would you?” - the moment he said his request he got a quick nod from him. By pulling out and pushing back inside once he got in the position, Changbin made him lay flat on the bed, him being flexible was on their luck. As he spread his thighs as much as possible and laid flat on the sheets while grabbing onto them Changbin started to grind his hips with a faster pace.

The position made his tip brush right above the younger’s prostate which made him moan out each time. He pressed his front on Felix’s back, getting comfortable as his hand was grabbed by Felix’s. “Am I crushing you, baby?” - he got a quick little ‘no’ from him before he started to fuck into him with a steady pace.

The sound of skin slapping against each other made the younger feel a knot build inside of his lower stomach just like the right angle made him constantly moan out his name and how good it feels. 

A thin layer of sweat started to form over his front and Felix’s arched back. Once he knew he was close, the boy managed to mumble out “Make me cum-- make- make me cum, hyung.” - with that he knew the boy was close, a said sentence he says every time he’s about to release.

Changbin got into a better position by propping his body up, his palms resting on each side of the younger’s face as a support as he started to fuck him faster. The friction he got from the sheets made it unnecessary for him to touch himself so he grabbed onto his wrist like he’s holding onto his life.

“F- fuck.” - before he managed to register it the Felix came with a loud moan which was followed by more soft lewd ones. His thighs started to shake as Changbin was still chasing for his own orgasm, the tightness made him release with a few more thrusts.

Collapsing over him again, he rested on his elbows that dipped into the mattress on each side of the younger’s head. His cheek was pressed against the pillow as he tried to catch his breath. The sight made him lean closer to place a soft kiss on his cheek. 

“You’re with me, beautiful?” - he brushed the hair off his face, placing another kiss on his ear. “mm yea- just-- so tired.” - a smile painted his lips at his cute state. He pulled out and slowly got off the bed. By taking the condom off and tying it to throw in in the bin he quickly went to his bathroom to get a wet towel. 

When he came back and wore his boxers he walked over to Felix who now sat on the bed, his cum trailing down his tummy. “It tickles, hurry.” - it made him chuckle as how he sounded serious yet his tiredness made him talk in pout with his eyes barely open and brows gently furrowed.

After he cleaned him and placed a kiss on his head, by pulling the sheets over his naked body he made him lay down and sleep peacefully. “I’ll be right back, okay? You just sleep, cutie.” 

Throwing the dirty towel into the laundry basket made him quickly go wash his hand properly since he was already in the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and just sighed with a smile on his face.

He didn’t know such a tragedy could end like this, but it’s better if he stops thinking about it otherwise he’ll jinx himself. When he discarded the clothes on the edge of the bed he got under the sheets as Felix immediately cuddled his body to Changbin’s side. 

It made him embrace the boy while he played with his hair until they both fell asleep. 

  
  


-

Chirping birds and the sound of people talking and cars passing by made Changbin wake up from his deep sleep. The window that was open made the sound more clear as the coldness seeped inside the room. 

Seeing that Felix was still sleeping peacefully he slowly got off the bed to close the window. Taking another look at the boy who was splayed in his bed and quickly covering his naked body with another blanket he made his way to the bathroom.

After taking a shower he walked out in simple sweats and a shirt, by having no sight of Felix in his bed anymore it came to his realization that he might’ve showered for too long. By going to the living room he saw the freckled boy standing by the reiling while having his smoking sesh. 

That fact that he was only wearing one of his hoodies and nothing underneath he quickly went to grab one of his pants and bring it to him. “Are you insane, you’ll catch a cold.-- Don’t you have any underwear either.”

The hoodie did fall till half of his thighs but he remembered that his own panties were drying in the bathroom, which he was using so he couldn’t get them. When Felix lifted up the hoodie and exposed his free private part Changbin gave him a done look which made him chuckle, coughing out some smoke that was still in his mouth. 

“You gonna kill me.” - he joked, placing the cigarette on the ashtray and taking the sweatpants to wear them. “You’ll kill yourself with pneumonia, don’t be so careless.” - he got his face grabbed by Felix’s one hand as he placed a kiss on his lips.

“Thank you, but don’t worry, my body’s strong. My white blood cells fight for their life more than I do.” - Changbin stole another kiss from him before he slapped his ass. “I’ll go make breakfast.” - he got a simple ‘mhmm’ from the younger before he took his cigarette again and started to relax to the nice view he got from the balcony.

After they had breakfast and Felix was getting ready to go home once it read 2pm and he has some work to do, Changbin gave him his own hoodie to wear since last night he only wore a light button up and a leather jacket. 

“Start wearing something suitable for winter.” - Changbin complained while the younger was putting his panties on. “It was an outfit for a bar, gotta look like a snack.” - the words made him poke his inner cheek with his tongue. A habit out of annoyance or jealousy. 

“You won’t have to anymore.” - the words made Felix look at him with a cheeky smile as he caught his bottom lip between his teeth. “But will have to when I’ll be coming over at yours.” - it made him roll his eyes at what he said. The other immediately pulled him towards himself by his shirt from where he sat on the edge of the bed.

He looked down at the freckled boy who made a sudden action of leaving a kiss on his crotch before looking up at him with innocent eyes. “Are you trying to make me hard so I can fuck you again before you leave?” - he only nodded at that with pouty lips.

Giggles were turned into moans of pure pleasure as the wet sound and the sound of the bed making silent noises was heard from his room as Felix rode his dick. “mmm fuck- oh right there.” the said words followed by lewd moans made Changbin buck his hips upwards, slightly fucking into him.

  
  


A last kiss as a goodbye was shared by the door as Felix bit onto his bottom lip and pulled it gently. Making him groan in response. “Gonna see you this weekend, hm?” - he asked while slowly walking away backwards, still looking at him. “You can come whenever, and you know that.” 

He smiled at his words before waving to him with a small ‘byebye’. Changbin would follow him with his eyes and only walk back inside when he’d lose the sight of him.

  
  


Felix walked in his apartment with a marked bag in his hand in which he had his button up from last night. When Jisung caught him taking his shoes off from where he sat in the living room he saw that he had the black jeans from last night but the hoodie wasn’t his. 

After taking his jacket off he went to walk to his own room but saw that Jisung saw his final appearance. “Hi.” - he greeted him walking inside the living room to not just pass by him like they’re strangers. 

“How was at Changbin’s?” - the question made his eyes widen a little at how he knew his location from last night. “How do you know I was at his?” - he played with his sweaterpaws nervously, for an unknown reason he felt like so. Completely unaware of Jisung eyeing the noticeable hickey on his neck. 

“Well would you look at that your roommate got worried. You didn’t answer my calls when it was past midnight and you told me you’ll be back before since you have work to do, so after texting Innie he told me you went to him. -- I’m sorry if this seems like I’m not giving you personal space- I just got worried.” - he apologised after realizing he might've gone too far.

“Oh, no no. It’s okay, I shouldn't have muted my phone. But um- yea I just went over to his since he was closer to where I was and it started to pour so-” - Jisung nodded at that before taking another sip of his wine. 

“mm well imma go now.” - Jisung chuckled at that before he spoke up right after he was about to walk out of the room. “You have takeout in the kitchen, was too lazy to cook.” - by shouting back an ‘okay’ once he was already in his bedroom, Felix took his jeans off and started to work on his project only in Changbin’s hoodie after discarding the other clothes on his clothing rack. 

Not as he wasn’t so concentrated into his readings he took his phone and quickly snapped a pic of his lower body of him grabbing onto the shirt with his sweaterpaw and revealing just a little bit of his pantie’s fabric. The laptop and his notebook with paperwork was scattered on the bed around him so it got in the picture as well. 

After sending the picture it got seen immediately. Getting a text back after a minute in which Changbin was just staring at the picture. -  _ Miss you already, cutie. But continue your work like a good boy so you can stop by me tomorrow _ . - the message made him giggle as he sent a sad emoji. Getting a -  _ shoo shoo _ \- and a peach emoji in return. 

He shook his head and bit a smile back before sending him a text that he’ll text him before bed, to which he got a heart in return. 

When he continued to do his readings and homework all he could think about was Changbin.


	5. bad days don't last forever, neither do good days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/ character death 
> 
> guess one could say this is a ‘spleen and ideal’ as how the title is so opposite from the story line.   
> sooo hah i haven’t updated for some time- i was so busy with school shit. as a vet student i’m slowly dying inside. all in all i hope everyone reading this and liked it. wanted to express a story in which changbin as a character with depression and other hardships goes through life like any other person with his own benefits and interests. though as you can all see that one small part of him is giving him a hard time but they only occur in small scenarios. those small scenarios lead to something big each day. the “things will get better” saying only works if you make them better. changbin tried to ignore his side which is eating him alive slowly with ugly thoughts by doing everything normal one would do. at times it works but at times it doesn’t.   
> well i should stop talking now… so enjoy the last chapter. love ya all !

The sun lit up his room, making the day a bit more alive unlike the past few gloomy ones. The sound of birds chirping next to the busy street made it a bit more bearable to live in the city. White curtains were elevated by the wind which blew outside, the open window made the wind acces the room and play with the fabric so elegantly.

Three days haven’t passed that Felix hasn’t made it to Changbin’s apartment again. Currently laying over his legs in only one of Changbin’s t-shirts and his own underwear as the latter laid on bed, upper body dressed in a shirt as his lower body was covered only by his boxers, exposing his legs.

Felix’s cheek was resting against his other thigh while his fingers slowly traced over the one with cuts on the other side. Not a single question was asked why nor a word was spilled from Changbin about it.

Until now. When it was just too much for Felix to handle the thought of seeing him hurt. He wanted to be there for him and stop the thought if he planned to do it again. 

He broke the silence with his soft voice. “What’s the reason behind them?” - he caught Changbin’s attention from where his eyes never left the younger while gently playing with his hair. 

For a moment he didn’t want to answer his question so the silence washed over them for a few short minutes. He didn’t want Felix to see him as a disappointment for doing such a thing, and didn't want to see him as a weak person.

But after getting to know him more, Changbin realised how laid back he is, accepts every flaw of a person, never judges since people have different opinions so who is he to judge; something he once mentioned in their conversation. 

Maybe he should start trusting people that can be trusted and open up more. And Felix is someone who grew so close to him in a short period of time, he adores the boy. He wants to build their relationship stronger and not hide stuff. So it’s better if he starts from the beginning of their relationship.

“I wasn’t in a good mindset- didn’t have anyone to open up to plus I didn’t want to make people worry. Thought I was a burden if I’d talk about my own problems.” - Felix’s eyes got soft as his eyebrows got slightly furrowed at his thought. “But you’re not Binnie. Try to somehow understand it and believe my words. You mean a lot to your friends and of course me.” 

The freckled boy started to leave small kisses on his clothes stomach before he’d rest his cheek against it, small fingers still tracing over his thigh. “I try - I really do. But give me some time to fully believe you.” - his gaze fell up to stare at the blank ceiling, fingers still playing with the platinum hair strands of the said boy. 

“Babe, I’m not pushing you. Don’t look at it like a task. You have all of us by your side. Y’know even Innie started to ask about you.” - he reverted his head so he’s looking up at him again. By touching Changbin's chin he got a small chuckle to come out of him.

“mm really? How’s him and Hyunjin?” - his eyes fell down on the boy again, seeing him still looking up at him with doe eyes made him ruffle his hair a bit. “They moved in together. Mostly because he can’t stand to live with his alcoholic and homophobic father anymore, at times he’d get violent. And since Hyunjin has his own apartment- he was more than welcome.” 

Changbin’s expression fell just so slightly after finding out Jeongin’s problem that he automatically saw him differently now and felt sorry for him yet glad he could move in with his boyfriend to get away from such a negative person. 

“Stuff some people have to go through - I’m glad he could move out.” - Felix gave him a hum in agreement. He slowly moved his body upwards to get closer to Changbin’s face. A small kiss was left on his lips before he pulled the boy against him to continue to kiss his lips.

From teaseful slow ones, with a bit of tongue, it turned into a heated makeout session which made Felix moan softly against his lips as it got him all aroused and needy. 

Changbin’s hands trail down his back over Felix's ass to grab the meat of it while kneading it and playing around. Small spanks would be left behind, making him become a whimpering mess. 

In a matter of a minute the room started to be filled with low moans and whimpers. “Oh fuck- hyung.” - the words would be mumbled into Changbin’s neck while he grinded upwards into the boy. Having him laid atop him, made him embrace the boy and keep him close. 

“Make me cum - please.” - the pace would increase as his thrusts started to make a lewd sound which got the boy to moan even louder. His own cock was getting friction between them so when he came he spilled all over his naked front body and Changbin’s shirt. 

With shaky thighs and sloppy kisses on Changbin’s neck he started to grind in sync with him and clench around his length which made him cum inside of him with a low groan and his name slipping through his swollen glossy lips.

By burying himself deep inside of his hole the boy’s eyes rolled backwards as the kisses stopped. “Fill me up - fuck. Oh yes.” - they stayed in the same position for a few more minutes. He’d play with his platinum strands while whispering praises into his ear, making the boy let out small tired whimpers here and there. 

When he pulled out, Felix kneed over him. Knees deeping into the mattress as the cum started to slowly drip out of his hole onto Changbin’s thigh. “aah ‘m sorry.” - he got a chuckle from him as he sat up and proceeded to place a small kiss on his tummy while his hips were gently grabbed by his hands. 

“We’ll clean up, cutie.” - a smile lingered over his action before he got off of him. 

After cleaning up and joking around Felix had to slowly go home. 

They shared a kiss by the door, him looking after the boy walking away and getting inside when he’d lose sight of him, just like every time. 

His apartment wasn’t filled with laughter, chatting, lewd sounds and presence of another person so after a while he started to realise how quiet it is again.

He tried distracting his thoughts with some work he did in the kitchen, doing his notes on his laptop. But since it didn’t work out his heart started to race, chest felt heavy and his hands felt tingly.

Could seem like it's out of nowhere but even when he tried to distract himself his mind was full with thoughts and overthinking small stuff which would lead to big problems in his head. 

He cussed under his breath before he quickly went to his bathroom to take the meds that were inside of the cabin.

  
  


-

  
  


_ A knock was heard on his door to which he responded with a ‘come in’. “The laundry is done. Here’s your stuff.” - Jisung said once walking inside with a laundry basket. “Thank you. Didn’t have to.” - he got up from where he sat on his bed, playing a favourite game of his on his switch.  _

_ “Wasn’t a problem. Also - that hoodie, ‘s that Changbin’s?” - Felix’s doe eyes looked up at him and slowly nodded at his question. “I just- um. If there’s something going on between you two don't see me as a mortal enemy or something cause of everything um-" - a small chuckle left his lips at his own stupid comment before he spoke up again.  _

_ "Just please- take care of him, hm? I’m happy for you two.” _

_ He nodded with more enthusiasm to it now with a smile on his face. With a few more exchanged words about dinner and a planned movie night Jisung left his room.  _

  
  
  


“Yea, but maybe it’s for the best yknow. Maybe she just wasn’t the one.” - Changbin gave encouraging words to Chan after he mentioned his breakup with a girl he’s been dating for four months. They were invited over to his house for a sesh as they agreed to hang out when they’ll all have free time.

"You're like the only bisexual that's actually getting action quite a lot with both genders. Your ass attracts people like a magnet. So don't let her hands crush your heart bro, I'm sure someone will come in your life and make you happy as a lover would." - they both stared at Jisung after his words. 

Both being left speechless at how his high state can get so emotional and wordy when it comes to feelings. As the boy chewed on the food he just pushed in his mouth, his doe eyes looked at them with a questioning expression. 

As they're currently sharing cider in the kitchen as Jisung is finishing up with his food. The take out which Chan has ordered as a bate for them to come as soon as possible for the hangout to last longer. “Whatever it is - it doesn’t really matter. Let's not get depressed. Now tell me about you and my aussie boy.” 

He stopped in his track of taking another gulp of his drink as his eyes fell on Jisung who was aggressively slurping on the noodles. “You’d talk through your elbow if you could.” - the words made Jisung choke as the slightly annoyed boy took a swing of his beverage. 

“Look I’m honestly happy he slips shit out cause you never tell me, bro. Aren't we bros?” - “We are but half of the shit I don’t tell him immediately either. He somehow manages to find out himself. For example this - how?” - now Chan had to laugh at the current situation. 

“Come on this one was a bit easy to pick up on. He came home, yknow-" - Jisung looked over at Chan with raised brows and a nod as he only got a 'aha' in return from Changbin before he continued to talk. 

"With a hickey that one morning after he only ‘slept over’ at yours ‘cause of the inconvenience of the rain and you live in the city close to where he was. The hoodie, and again the regular going out with someone that isn’t Innie. The hickey gave out that you two were in a real relationship and not something as before. Cause you never marked him before.” - Chan was listening closely and nodding the whole time as Changbin on the other hand had to massage his temple.

“So? How are you two?” - the blonde asked again as Changbin could feel his eyes on him. “Well-” - now thinking about it he could only start talking cheesy which somehow Felix had an effect on him that turned him into a romantic snob or he can just say something simple. 

So he chose to go with simple otherwise he’d get teased. “We just chillin’.” - Jisung gave him a done look after he used a slogan from a series. “Kidding. Yea, we good. What else am I supposed to say?” 

“We can see the sparkle in your eyes- “ - “It’s called alcohol and weed.” - “- the sparkle which shows that you like him a lot.” - Jisung continued sternly. “Soo - we’re happy for you. And the boy really grew to me.” - Chan added his thought, making Changbin smile at his words merely with a small nod. 

After some more ranting by Chan and sweet talk about the boy Jisung patted Changbin’s back after he threw the food cartons in the bin and came back to his stool. “I’m really happy for you. How’s your mental state going though?” - he bit his lip, the smile fading away slowly even if he tried to keep it on his face.

Only nodding at the question as ‘good as it can be’ left his lips with a sigh.

"I don't like being in the center of talking. Sung, you probably have a lot of news since the last time we hung out." - Changbin quickly spoke after he didn't want to talk anymore about his own stuff. 

"Mm yea." - Chan chuckled at that, getting a shout from him to listen and not mock him. "Yall remember Minho, friend of mine since middle school who had to go study high-school in another city, well guess what- he's back."

The latters gave an expression of interest at the mention of a person they vaguely remember. "We started to talk more now again, updated each other and we even met up." 

Minho being a long lost friend of his is a really good guy in Changbin's and Chan's eyes. They only saw him once but heard a lot from him. Though after some time the talk about him died out just like the conversation between them. 

Changbin may have thought Jisung was his soulmate in a friendly relationship but when getting to see how Minho's and his relationship is built he sure knew they were meant to be. 

So after everything, his current thought about Minho's and his relationship is better than before. Hearing him talk about the guy again, Changbin's smile couldn't leave his lips. 

He just wanted to see Jisung happy. As his thoughts were always on how he probably can't make him as happy, Changbin gets a warm feeling inside when seeing his best friend getting all happy and talkative even if it's someone else's doing. 

“We could all go out together one day. It’d be fun, hm? What you say?” - they look at each other as Changbin’s shoulders shrugged, expression of a ‘why not’ before they nodded. “Why wouldn’t we? It’ll be a bit awkward for me since I haven’t seen that guy in a long time but- let’s just break the ice.” 

Jisung let out an airy chuckle “Yea yea, we know. Imma ask him when he’s free and hopefully our schedules will blend.” - the brunette said before he fished for his phone which was in his jean’s pocket. 

Typing out a quick message of the mentioned proposal as Changbin’s eyes fell over to Chan’s direction who got a bit silent now, would only hum in response while typing something on his phone. 

So Changbin decided to tease him a bit as now the two were occupied on their phones. “Oh what a social life. Hope Channie’s not texting his ex.” - Chan’s eyes immediately looked up at him as they widened a bit at his name being called out of nowhere.

His mind probably clouds away from the current situation. “Hah, no. Just a friend.” - he gave him a small smile with a quick nod, gaze returning to the previous sight. 

-

  
  
  


On a saturday morning Changbin made his way over to Felix's shared apartment. His own apartment was only suffocating him with silence, the air would start to feel heavy once his mind would run busy with unnecessary thoughts, so he called him to see if he was welcome. 

He got an already known answer before getting up from his spot in which he was all morning as when he got up the mattress was dipped a bit where he laid and the blankets and sheets were forming a small shield like comfortable fort. 

Once at the said location Felix greeted him with a tight hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. A small action which immediately made a smile linger on his lips. With an arm he embraced his small waist as the blonde boy didn’t want to let go. 

With small steps they slowly walked in together as Changbin closed the door behind them. “You’re like a small koala. Why so clingy, hm?”

Jisung on the other hand had to leave a few minutes just as he came. "A small date with Mr. Lee." - he claimed as Changbin rolled his eyes automatically at that, but a smile couldn't hide the fact that he was glad about it. 

"Minho will even drop me back so i'll probably be back before midnight." - Felix nodded at the said information before he tiny waved at him. Changbin and him bidding goodbye. 

The soft white sheets were exposing a messy comfortable bed of Felix’s which was not done by him for the past week. A few plushies laying on random spots, his favourite one currently underneath him whilst he’s playing a video game, laying on his tummy while slowly swaying his legs in the air. 

The two pillows, one on another, lay underneath Changbin’s back where it propped him into a semi sitting position. One of his hands was lazily trailing over Felix’s lower back. Phone in his other hand but long forgotten as his eyes were glued on the tv screen on which the blonde’s game was currently on. 

The heavy sigh and the sight of him losing made his eyes fall on the boy. Placing his phone aside and petting his ass lightly. “It’s okay, baby. You lost in a most ridiculous way but you tried.” - Changbin got flipped off after mockingly joking, the controller falling out of his hands as he hugged his plushy.

The sight made the other’s smile grow on his lips before he called for him. “Pouty brat, com’ere.” - a small whine came out of Felix’s lips before he looked behind him, seeing Changbin signal him to sit on his lap, he being more than willing to do so.

The abandoned plushy was left on the edge of the bed as he laid on his lover. Draping his body over Changbin’s which made the male embrace him gently. Hands slowly tracing over his back. A few times sneaking under his shirt which would linger a smile on the blonde’s lips.

The more the boy roamed his hands, over his ass, waist and thighs, the more would the boy become squirmy in the position. His soft lips found a way to Changbin’s neck where he started to leave small kisses that turned into open mouthed ones with a few nibbles and some gentle sucking.

“Is kitten getting needy, hm?” - all he got in return was a mewel in response as his lips continued to mark up Changbin’s neck with pale and darker shades of red and purple. 

The male’s hand sneaked over Felix’s ass again, trailing his palm up and down between his asscheeks as the thin layer of bootyshorts and his underwear made friction over his hole, making the younger grind against his hand. Clothed harden getting the friction from Changbin’s own bulge which started to get bigger.

A silent “Fill me up, please. I need it, need you.” came mumbled from Felix’s lips which now connected with Changbin’s. The kiss was a teaseful one with a lot of lip bites and ghosting over his small yet plump lips.

“Don’t be a tease and you’ll get what you want.” - he could feel the younger’s small grin before they deepened the kiss. Heated and messy no matter how much they tried to keep a tempo. Felix’s small hands were gripping onto his shirt, back arching as the grinding of his ass in teaseful circles and hard bucking back and forth continued.

The sudden change in position made him yelp silently before his lips got attacked again. Having him on top now made the younger spread his thighs and automatically embrace his hips with his legs. “Your lips are mine, only mine.” - the possessive side jumped out of him again which was something Felix liked hearing.

His possessive behavior would always rile him up even more. “O- only yours.” - he tripped over his words as one hand of Changbin’s went over his sensitive part gently. Brushing his hand where he needed it the most. “Please.” - automatically leaving past his bruised lips as his brows furrowed.

After only getting palmed for a few seconds his fingers would tap on the younger’s bottom lip to open up his mouth. His fingers are something Felix adores sucking on and having in his mouth, after his cock of course. So when he got the middle and the index finger in his mouth he was more than eager to suck them and make them all wet.

“Good boy.” - the groweld words managed to make him feel things down there, making him needier than before. “Need it, please.” - he whined around his fingers, eyes looking up at Changbin’s with a pleading expression, the sparkle in his eyes still holding some part of his innocence in a situation where the boy is begging to have the male’s cock inside of him. 

A cuss left his lips from the sight he got. He knew the boy fell into deep space where he wanted to get ruined by him. So he gave the boy what he pleads for. 

After he got prepped and littered in kisses, moans started to already fill up the room even though he’s grinding his hips with a slow pace. The whining was suffocated by Changbin’s crook of his neck where Felix pushed his face in while embracing his neck.

“Take me so well. Want me to go harder?” - not a needed question got a quick nod in response and since he wasn’t satisfied with it now, wanting to hear the boy’s beautiful voice, he asked for more. “Would you be a good boy and beg for it, hm kitten?” 

“Please, please hyung. I need to be ruined by you, need your cock to make me full and dumb. Need to know only the feeling of your cock inside me and your name on my lips. Please, fuck me.” - a heavy sigh left his lips, fanning the boy’s ear before he propped upwards to look at his face. “Then you better be screaming my name.” 

With that he snapped his hips, picking the full speed without any build up. Going hard, fast and deep, just like he begged for. 

When he got Changbin filling him up with his release and still slowly fucking into him. Their eyes locked as his own tired ones would have to close here and there, brows furrowing and lips softly agape, when he’d hit the right spot.

After a short cuddle session Felix left to take a shower. Leaving Changbin sitting half naked under his sheets with the riyan plushy staring at him. When he couldn’t bear the sight of it from his peripheral view while he was browsing through social media, he kicked the plushy so it laid flat on its stomach. 

Felix’s phone ringin interrupted his browsing through Jisung’s recent story updates on instagram where he’s with Minho in a cozy coffee shop then later on the locations changed three more times. 

By taking his gaze off of his phone he tried to look for the ringing device, only for his eyes to fall on the door from where he could hear rushing footsteps and the door quickly opening. “Umm someone’s calling you but i can’t seem to-” - he was cut off by Felix reaching from under the plushy which made Changbin rethink back to when he kicked it, accidentally covering the phone.

“Who is it?” - he asked after seeing the boy’s frozen state, waiting for it to stop ringing. “Just- ugh someone from class that i don’t wanna talk to.” - the difference between his shocked or worried state from the moment he saw the ID to his now annoyed probably fake state is something Changbin didn’t buy. 

He raised his brow and sat up straight. “If he’s bugging you let me see.” - the phone stopped ringing as the blonde dropped the phone in the pocket of his sweats, he started to dry his wet hair strands with a towel as he shook his head. “‘S okay. He’s not bothering me.” 

“Okay, but why won’t you show it to me. Who exactly called.” - his own stomach turned upside down, he didn’t know himself why, nor did he know why Felix is acting this way. “It’s Dohyun, you don’t know him.” 

He wanted to push more, to ask him to show him the ID cause for some reason his physical behavoiur wasn’t matching his unbothered verbalness. But he didn’t have the energy to turn this into an argument so he gave in.

-

If they celebrated each month this would be their fifth. Throughout the beginning of the fifth month of their relationship small stupid arguments would lead to a big more serious ones at times. 

After the small arguments, leaving each other without a goodbye and not texting each other for a solid 24 hour span, would be their resolution to every small "problem". 

When the situation would cool down Felix would stop by at his house. A soft 'i'm sorry' would leave his pouty lips, one glance and their lips would be already connected. 

Soft kisses of apology that would lead to them cuddling on the couch. Gentle fingers caressing Felix's arm as he'd fall asleep in Changbin's embrace. 

The more serious ones would resolve to doors slamming, shouts thrown at each other, tears rolling down Felix's cheeks while he'd sit crouched against the bathroom's door as Changbin's footsteps could be heard from the other side. And harsh stupid words would be yelled into the void. 

They know each doesn't mean them, it's just aggression and irritation formed by their stress cause of work or studies, fogging their brains which leads to such lame actions of theirs. 

A few days would actually pass of them not talking, as when Changbin would text the blonde he'd be at his doorstep in less than an hour. He'd pull him by his arm inside the apartment. 

Harsh sloppy kisses of their tongues dancing together, teeth colliding and biting each other's bottom lip to earn a low moan from one another. 

Soon enough loud moans and skin slapping against each other would fill up the hot air of Changbin's bedroom. Cusses and moans of each other's names would be heard. 

Make up sex mixed with anger would resolve to each neck being covered in dark marks and Felix's ass full of big red spots that one time he could even recognise Changbin's hand print. 

Felix stared at one spot blankly while laying on Changbin's chest. Feeling Changbin’s hand slowly playing with his hair as his own gently caressed a part of his bicep. 

Before having to leave, Felix went to use the bathroom. Wiping the cum of his lower back and with a wet tissue cleaning the dried out spots. 

After he cleaned himself, the boy wore the clothes he came in with and grabbed the concealer and a beautysponge which was in his hoodie's pocket. 

While covering the big dark marks his eyes fell up to look at his own eyes that started to become glassy from the tears that gathered. With a blink a few slid down his cheeks as he quickly whipped them away.

  
  


"I'll text you before bed." - Felix voiced once walking out of the bathroom. He could feel the other’s eyes on himself but didn't get any words from him about the covered hickeys. 

"Okay, baby. Take care, get home safe." - with a quick peck on his lips from where he sat on the couch where Felix had to bend down a bit to catch his lips, he walked out of his apartment with a heavy chest. 

Not even a week has passed as another argument got between them. Felix would pass around the living room while chewing on his inner cheek. Tears in his eyes which he learned how to control yet couldn't have a hold on his rapid heartbeat and a heavy chest. 

"I just don't understand why you get so defensive when i ask you such a simple question. You don't need to tell me your exact location and time or some bullshit!" - Changbin's voice echoed through the room in which a silent tv was playing in the background. 

A show which is long forgotten by now. "I'm not fucking defensive, i just don't understand why you always have to ask!?" - he spat back, heavy gestures thrown around with his arms. 

Silence took over them again, the latter buried his face in his hands as the elbows that held his face were poking into his thighs. 

"Lixie-ah. Look." - he took a deep breath before looking up at him. Calming down before he spoke up so the words don't come out stumbled. 

All of a sudden Jisung came to his head as he didn't know when his best friend will be back from his class, so it's better if he doesn't see them yelling at each other like this. "I'm sorry. Okay? Let's just skip this stupid argument, it's not worth. I hate it when we fight. But recently you've been getting very frustrated and angry at me for no reason." 

"No reason!? Now i get mad at you just cause i'm bored? Is that what you think of me!?" - Changbin's eyes grew at Felix's spat out words, that he actually had to rethink of what he had said and see no wrong statement in it as the said thing is true. 

"Felix… Where are you pulling that bullshit out of? Go back to our every little argument- look that's actually not the point. Just- if there's something bothering you, talk to me." - at said last words Felix's face scrunched as he clenched his teeth, tears pouring out of his eyes as a frustrated whine came through his teeth. 

He quickly turned his back towards his lover while grabbing onto his hair and pulling as harsh as he could on it. He dropped on his knees only to feel another body embrace him from behind. 

Changbin's arms were wrapped around his torso. The hug felt so warm, so familiar yet he just wanted to get away from it as he was disgusted by himself. 

_ The sound of a calm city at night was the only heard thing from where he sat on the closed toilet seat in his dark bathroom. Only a grey oversized t-shirt falling off his left shoulder and exposing his collarbone, lower body covered with a pair of his favourite bootyshorts.  _

_ Not wanting to turn on the lights as the full moon was shining through the open window which was located just above the toilet.  _

_ The sleepless night turned into a sesh at 3am as smoke that was blown out through his lips danced around the air before it disappeared into nothingness.  _

_ His mind was full of rushing thoughts as the illuminated pattern of the moon shined against the white door as well as on the wall covered with dark grey tiles.  _

_ As he was done with his first cigarette and the room was now a bit heavy with the smell of it, pleasant only to smokers, Felix grabbed his phone which was placed on the edge of the sink.  _

_ By going straight to his contacts and Jeongin's ID popping on the phone screen, he waited for the boy to pick up. Knowing well he'd be awake at this hour.  _

_ A soft voice spoke through as a few rustling sounds could be acknowledged, the sheets in which he was turning underneath. He started off with a small talk, not wanting to worry him, as well as he tried to collect himself with a calm chat with his best friend.  _

_ Somewhere under 20 minutes that have passed he'd hear small whines of annoyance coming from the other line, his lover, Hyunjin, as what he could make up from, got needy of his attention since he was sleepy so Felix decided to get straight to the point but begged him to go to another room.  _

_ When doing the asked thing, and hearing no more movements on the other line, with a heavy chest he started to talk about the needed stuff which was fogging his mind.  _

_ "For how long- Lix?" - asked question followed by a pause and a small sigh. "Two weeks." - he answered back as his eyes started to get glassy again. His chest rose as adrenaline and regret were mixing inside of his chest.  _

_ "I'll tell you this as your best friend, just like I'd always tell you. So you stop hurting others and yourself. You're not ready for commitment. I don't know what you saw- if like- Changbin opened your third eye or some shit but i guess it wasn't it. Cause otherwise you wouldn't sleep with Chan."  _

_ The last sentence stung his heart, getting more and more clear to him how stupid he was for doing such thing.  _

_ "Now you can- break up with him. Or stop sleeping with Chan and try to build that commitment with Changbin with small steps cause- i really saw something between you two. Like- I've been seeing a shit ton of guys which you had been dating before or just had something with them for a day or two- and Changbin is honestly someone that could change you. Felix. I don't see you in a bad way- but i can definitely see your actions being a bad way of coping with something." _

_ Every word made his chest only feel heavier, his soft voice making him not feel alone as he knew that at least he'd always have Jeongin by his side no matter what.  _

_ "And I'm telling you this as a person that cares for you." - the said thing was his breaking point as he tried to silence his sobbing since Jisung could practically hear this in the middle of a quiet night.  _

A solid week has passed since the outburst of Felix’s emotions in front of Changbin. No, he didn’t tell him the real reason behind his thin nerves. Only apologised and blamed it on stress which uni is giving him. 

But Changbin did find out the situation which was happening for a good amount of time for him to get an anxiety attack after he finished the eye to eye talk with Chan.

Chan couldn’t hide it anymore. Appeared at his doorstep kind of suddenly as Changbin was trying to study for an upcoming exam. But after the said confession the task was long forgotten. “And- i know an apology won’t help shit in this situation but i needed to tell you as i saw that Felix himself didn’t plan to do something about it any sooner. I fucked up really but, i don’t have an excuse for it, Bin. I’m so fucking sorry, and i’ll accept the fact if you’ll break the friendship between us.”

He didn’t get any words out of him for a long dragged minute. Changbin himself didn’t know if he should be surprised or not. A part of him thought Felix might’ve been doing something behind his back. Something he didn’t want to accept. But he for sure didn’t think it would be with Chan. 

“It’s better if you leave.” - the male did as he was told. With hesitant steps to leave him alone but his actions deserve for Changbin to not have to look at him any longer second.

  
  


Felix being the one that wanted to clear the things between them as he couldn’t stand the silence that was dragging for three days already. But as Changbin told him he didn’t want to talk to him for some time he had to respect his choice.

Jisung and him didn’t share a word about what happened, barely shared any words since that day. Only when needed. He would visit his best friend and stay by his side as long as he could next to his busy schedule. At times would bring coffee from starbucks, buy takeout and tried every different way to try and keep him on his feet.

Chan and Changbin never spoke a word since that day he left his apartment. Jisung didn’t mention him in their conversation and Changbin himself didn’t even want to hear about it as it would only make it harder for him.

A quick text to Felix resolved to a continues silence afterwards. 

_ Just know that I forgive you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just forgot your words about not wanting any commitment at this period of time  _

__

His own paragraph and more text messages weren’t responded back to.

The feeling would blend into days of a low mood. The endless spiral in which he was falling, the deeper he fell the heavier the feeling got. The apartment was colder and more of an enemy to him than ever before. 

As long the days could blend for him the time felt short to Jisung - and Felix. 

It was all like a blurry sped up action in which he didn’t know how to react. The sight of the scattered pills on the floor and the bottle which rolled further from the mentioned pills gave him a rush of panic, the paper on which was a page filled with words which made sentences which Jisung knew were something he didn’t want to accept.

A dark unforgettable sight is carved in his mind like a haunting dream. But unfortunately it’s a reality through which he has to go through. Not alone, but he hates himself for even thinking that Changbin might’ve gone through it alone. 

  
  


_ I had you by my side no matter what, don’t even try to think otherwise. I appreciate every second that was spent with you. I’m sorry I had to end it. It hurts to be alone. May not be alone as I had you by my side. But the loneliness never left my side. _


End file.
